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Every Monster Known To Man...

Beyond people coming in the kitchen or dealing with psychopathic grooms, one of our biggest challenges when turning tricks is children. Or perhaps I should say parents who let their children run willey nilley around the buffet table as if it was a merry-go-round in the park.

I cannot tell you how many times I have come out to find little Timmy and his evil twin Tommy playing tag around a fruit display or worse yet, plunging their sticky lint-laden fingers into crudite'.

The problem here is that you have to be so careful. With adults you can simply say, "The master of ceremonies will announce when it's time to eat" with a raised eyebrow and they get the hint. And believe me, I have had to say that on many occasion because people are just that stupid.

With children, the either don't listen do you or they look at you, laugh, and go right back to what they are doing. And no matter how much you want to say, "One more step you little shits and I will make sure every monster known to man will take up residence under your bed and in your closet and they will haunt you all the days of your life", you just can't. Well, I mean, you can - not that I am saying I have - but chances are, not only with the little demon spawn get what you are saying, they will scream with horror and run to their parents and tell on you. And it's pretty tough to blend into the crowd when you're one of 350 people in the room wearing a chef's coat.

Anyway.

So then comes the quandary, what the Hell is a Whore do to? Once I had three little boys grabbing chilled prawns off the table like they were candy. They then shoved them in their mouths and spat them out onto a place setting because they realized that they weren't, in fact, candy.

Another time two little girls decided it would be fun to play "dunk the ice mold" in the punch bowl, lick their fingers, and do it again. All the while their parents were bellied up to the bar not giving two shits that their daughters were about to be picked up by their ponytails and drug to the kitchen for some quality time in the cooler.

And don't get me wrong, I love children, I do. But if you bring them to a formal function, keep your eye on them. Because I am totally not afraid of hanging them on hooks in the coat closet. And I am totally not afraid of telling them that every monster known to man will take up residence under their beds and in their closets and they be will haunted all of the days of their lives.

Not that, you know, I have ever done that.

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Posted by Foodwhore at June 12, 2004 11:44 PM