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It's A Cruel, Cruel Summer

I love summer.

I love the sun and the sand. I love packing picnics (with wet towels in bags, thankyouverymuch), going on hikes, strolling through the market, whale watching, swimming, lying on a lounge chair soaking up the rays... just everything.

Except bathing suits.

It's the cruelest damn time of the year for women. We are forced to expose the things we have been hiding all winter - our thighs. *sigh*

It was after my picnic by the pool last week that I realized it was time I invest in a new bathing suit. I really would rather have bamboo skewers poked into my eyeballs but what are you gonna do? A Whore can't wear her chef's coat all summer. So, to the department store I went - but only after gorging on my dinner of homemade pizza margherita and Caesar salad. Cause, yeah, every girl should load up on pizza before trying on bathing suits. (What an idiot)

The bathing suit section was packed with long-faced women. There's an underlying sense of doom when one shops for bathing suits. The only ones excited to be there were the size 2 walking mannequins who were giggling with glee over the latest in thong bikinis. (Bitches) I was hoping to find something sensible like a mu-mu but The Husband guided me in the direction of the rack he liked. He's a sweet man but I really think his mother dropped him as a child because he clearly has no grasp on the true size of my ass.

"Oh, baby, I like this one."

"Oh, please. Women. *sigh*"

Bless his heart. He really meant well. But I am totally going to make him an appointment with the eye doctor because there are some serious vision issues there.

After a lot of swearing (I know, hard to imagine...) and tugging and pulling, I finally found the perfect suit. It's actually, dare I say, flattering. Possibly because my breasts are exposed to the point of distraction, which totally makes you miss the massive caboose I am sporting, not to mention those damned thighs. My arms could use a little work, too. (I can't believe I talked about my breasts in my blog - I feel dirty)

When we got it home I did what all good Whores do after facing the reality of summer - I made a nice lemon drop.

And slapped back two cream puffs.

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Posted by Foodwhore at June 30, 2004 11:47 PM