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Drive-By Catering

It's rare that we do what we call in the business, "Prep & Drops", which essentially means we cater without having to actually serve the food. We prep it all, set it up, and leave. We like to call them, "Drive-By Caterings".

It's not our preference to do "drive-by's" as we just don't like the idea that someone else is in charge of our food while we aren't there and if something goes wrong and they don't know how to deal with it, our reputation is on the line. (A Whore's reputation is everything, you know) But yesterday was different because we knew the reception manager and The Bride's family and they wanted it to be a casual affair. That and they didn't want a big price tag so a Drive-By it was.

And oh I am so glad it was.

Our day started at the nut farm called Costco. Earlier in the week we had placed and order for fresh Artisan breads and for the second time in a month, they did not get our order right. We have had a tough time getting a decent Artisan bread locally because while a lot of people make them, very few do it right. I take that back. They do it right, but the breads are better used for smaller quantities because they dry out pretty quickly and when you're serving 200+ people, you have to have a more commercial (read: preservative filled) product. (Which, I think maybe the words "Commercial grade Artisan Bread" is an oxymoron, but, oh whatever. No time for semantics.)

And the thing is, I don't know why we continue this battle with the Costco bakery. It's never a positive experience and I am starting to think we just like the excitement the stress brings. (Much therapy is needed)

Anywa.

So I go to the bakery to ask for my order and first they couldn't find it and said I must not have placed it (counting to 10 at this point...) and then they said they did have the order but the breads did not get made because, and I quote, "The bakery did not have sugar this morning so everything got put back."

"Uh, no. I am just a little puzzled as to why the bakery did not have sugar when not but 3 aisles over there are 40lb. bags of it."

All this did was piss her off. Which is normal for the bakery department at our Costco. At all times they are the angriest bunch of hair-net wearing crab-asses we have ever had to deal with. (Which says a lot considering my ever-so-charming personality)

When I asked how long it would be for the breads to be done, after a bunch of shouting (them, not me) and sighs and eye rolls, I was told it would be 2 hours.

Which wasn't going to work.

So, I dusted off my cell phone and made a few calls to a small bakery in town and we were able to get the quantity we needed. Thank God.

With that I turned to my new bakery nemesis, smiled, and told the Hair-Net Wearing Crab-Ass that I was canceling my order. I didn't swear, I didn't yell, I just smiled. This made her even more mad because they had already started our order (her story kept changing) and now, "what would they do?" (As if this was my problem...) And as much as I wanted to tell her she could take every loaf of bread and "shove it where the sun..." well... I didn't. I simply said, "Maybe in 2 hours someone else will want them." And we were on our way.

But tomorrow morning I am so totally calling the store manager.

So, we get back to our kitchen, prep, load the van, and we're on our way. The reception venue was a barn out in no-man's land. (That's no exaggeration) Apparently this place has historical value and oh, yadda yadda. It's still a damn barn and with the still-sweltering heat we are experiencing, it still smelled like a damn barn. Which I suppose is all fine if you're going for that casual thing but I can't imagine eating chicken Madeira with the smell of old manure lingering in the air. But, what Bridezilla wants, Bridezilla gets.

The smell was really only part of this place's "charm." When I went to get water for the chafing dishes, I was informed the only source of water was a garden hose down by the old grain trough. That's right. A garden hose down by the old grain trough. And when you add that fact to the fact that the electricity was provided by the bright orange generator in what used to be the milking parlor, you've got yourself one helluva investigation by the Health Department. But - what are you gonna do?

So we loaded up the tables, created the display, put the backstock in the prep room (old tack room), lit the chafing dishes, and gave instructions to the person in charge. Just as we were getting ready to leave, we noticed most of the ice had melted (93+ degrees in there) so we offered to go to the local store to get more.

After some directions and driving a few winding roads, we found the store. Holy Mother of God, walking into this store was like walking into a bad Hitchcock movie. Actually, kind of more like Twin Peaks (anyone remember that show??) The place was dark and the employees all walked around with their heads hung down. Some poor guy was pushing a broom and mumbling to himself and one of the checkers stood and scratched herself in her, uh, crotch region. At least I think it was a she...

We really didn't know whether to laugh or run like Hell. So we opted to do both. So there we were, Two Food Whores running through the parking lot, laughing like freaks, with bags of ice on their shoulders. People actually stopped to stare at us - which we're used to - but it really struck us as odd considering some of the people staring didn't have teeth.

After dropping off the ice and thanking God we did not have to stay, we were off on our treck back to the civilian world. On our way we stopped off at a farm stand and bought a flat of the plumpest cherries ever - ever - and some raspberries the size of golf balls and were on our merry way.

It was a very long, hot, and stressful day and we were so glad it was done. I spent the ride home with my arm out the window doing that hand surf thing you do when it's hot outside and when, you know, you're 12. And then we just couldn't resist the gorgeous cherries so for a little amusement, we spit the pits out the window and laughed ourselves silly watching those little suckers get caught in the wind and take flight. It was one of those moments where you had to be there, but it really was hillarious. Really.

Oh, I don't know. I guess sweltering heat and stress can do strange things to a person.

Silly Whores.
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Posted by Foodwhore at June 27, 2004 10:36 AM