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Klutzy Whore
 
 
Some people are born geniuses, others are born with a natural talent to sing.  Me?  I was born with the natural talent of being a klutz.
 
It's my middle name, actually.  (Or at least it should be)
 
 
 
I love pretty shoes with slim heels - but dear God I am not good in them.  I tried on a pair of strappy numbers in Nordstrom recently and couldn't even walk to the 3-way mirror without nearly taking out a display of Via Spiga boots.  The salesman, in all of his kindness and compassion, suggested I go for a lower heel. 
 
And by lower I think he meant a flat.
 
 
Anyway.  
 
I also have that rare ability to knock over items without even touching them.  It's like this energy field I carry around with me - like I have 17-ft. long arms, 8 of them, that go around swinging and knocking things off shelves as I walk through a room.
 
I really think it's God's way of keeping me humble - sort of like a reality check or payback for all the mean things I say about people.  (Like the person I spoke of below, though my assessment of her is not unfounded, nor unshared) Even though I know God doesn't work in paybacks - I do think I supply Him with a neverending vaudeville show of sorts.    "Hey, St. Peter- check out what she does with that glass of wine!"
 
When I enter a room, things just start tipping over out of fear.  Dishes fall out of cupboards in an attempt to lessen the anticipation that they may be the next victim.  "Guys, I am just going to jump.  I can't stand this stress.  You know I am next - I am on the top of the pile!" 
  
  

Amazingly enough, I have never (knock on wood) had a klutz issue when Tricking.  I am so hyper-focused that I think I actually will things to stay in my hand. 
 
Well, ok. 
 
No.  I take that back.  
 
Last week I had a nasty accident with a bottle of Caesar dressing that splurted when it hit the floor and showered The Partner with Parmesan-y goodness.  But it was during prep time so that technically does not count.  And, well, there was that mayo incident at the Restaurant Supply Store.   But again, that was pre-Trick. 
  
  
 
So tonight we're in Costco picking up a few items for tomorrow night's drive-by Trick.   (Which means I have no idea if the aforementioned "friend" actually showed up at my place or not) 
 
So, we're loading the van and thing are going relatively well, except for ramming my shin into the corner of the door, which is even more evidence of klutziness...  
 
 
...As I was saying... we were loading the van and the last thing to go in was the watermelon.  The Partner said, "Be sure that's stable, I don't want it rolling out when we open the doors."
 
"Yeah, yeah.  I know the drill."
 
"I know you know, but that box is not very strong and...."
 
 
Splat.
 
 
*sigh*
 
 
When I went to adjust the box of beautiful champagne grapes we picked up for sugaring, my elbow nudged the watermelon and out it rolled - and sadly it did not survive the fall.
 

Poor bastard never had a chance.
 
 
 
 

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Posted by Foodwhore at July 17, 2004 12:16 AM