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Things I have learned in the last 4 days.

1. Bridezilla is alive and well.

2. A person can really wear too many pearls in one afternoon. (Tiara, earrings, choker, bracelet, ankle bracelet and toe ring.)

3. If you agree to be Matron of Honor to Bridezilla at her wedding in a recently rained upon garden, chances are your big toe will be fatally attacked by an 8-inch earthworm. (My face shows the horror in some of the candid shots. Bridezilla was not happy.)

4. Bridezilla won't like it if the Parents Of The Groom like you better than her. (oops. my bad.)

5. If Bridezilla and Poor Sap of a Groom decide to dance and no one is paying attention, Bridezilla will make a fuss, causing her aforementioned tiara to slip off her head.

6. Bridezilla won't like it if The Aunt Of The Groom likes you better than her. (Can I help it if I am totally loveable?)

7. I can be an earthworm-attacked Matron of Honor and still rock a pork loin like nobody's business.

8. Bridezilla's Aunt loves Lemon Drops.

9. Bridezilla's Aunt is my new best friend.

10. If you're busy being The Matron of Honor AND The Food Whore and in all of the preparations forgot to make the glaze for the pork loin; orange marmalade, honey, sesame oil, sesame seeds, a dash of soy sauce and some garlic will be your new best friends.

11. When you're the Matron of Honor and you roll your eyes while Bridezilla and her Poor Sap of A Groom seredade one another, someone will see you.

12. That someone will be The Groom's Mother.

13. She will concur with the eye roll.

14. If Bridezilla warns you before the wedding about The Groom's Snippy Aunt and says, "She is a horrible woman", and you meet The Snippy Aunt and immediately become best friends, Bridezilla's resentment toward you will reach an all-time high.

15. If the best man is The Husband, and you spend a good part of the ceremony making googly eyes at one another, Bridezilla will be pissed off you did not pay more attention to her.

16. If a fly lands in the communion cup, don't snicker. Bridezilla will be pissed.

17. If Bridezilla and Her Poor Sap of a Groom decide to make a getaway for their honemoon and no one gives them any attention, they will pull back in the driveway and announce again that they are leaving.

18. No one will care.

19. If Bridezill and Her Poor Sap of a Groom aren't satisfied with the response, they will come back a second time because they "forgot something".

20. This time, someone will shout, "Aren't you gone, yet?". (I am not supposed to tell who said it, but let's just say this "person" "may" have "given" "birth" to The Poor Sap of a Groom.)
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Posted by Foodwhore at August 30, 2004 09:44 PM