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Free Bird
November 22, 2004

So like all stores across the nation who are conspiring with one another to make us all think we're saving the big bucks by using one of their Super Duper Savings Cards, my store has been promoting the Hell out of the latest "Big Thing".

And because I am a complete sucker and lose all sense of reason in the grocery store, I fell for the Big Thing and totally got a free 20 pound turkey.

Free Bird!

I actually did a little dance right there at the meat counter as that obtuse plastic wrapped ball of goodness was dropped in my cart. It was more of a subdued hip shake dance as I didn't want to scare the nice non-english speaking lady trying to communicate with the butcher.

I walked around the store proudly like I had just won The Prettiest Shopper award, turning my head side to side and waving that parade wave. Elbow tight... only use the wrist...


And I started thinking about all the fabulous things I would be doing with that turkey. I could just smell the succulence waifting through my kitchen and...HOLY SHIT I WILL HAVE TO THRUST MY HANDS INTO THE ASS OF THIS BIRD TO RETRIVE THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE PROPS FROM THE MOVIE ALIEN!!!!!

I actually stopped in the middle of the cracker aisle and hung my head in total defeat.


I cannot describe to you how I hate prepping turkeys. I can trim excess fat off a bloody barron of beef and cut a fresh loin into tenderloin steaks, I can cut a whole chicken into fryer size pieces, but having to stick my hand up a turkey's ass gives me nightmares of monumental proportions.

I even have a special Turkey Preparation Kit that includes a HazMat suit, goggles, surgical gloves, a mask, and a very large set of tongs. You think I joke, but can asure you I take my Turkey Preparation Kit very seriously. It's packed and checked like a paratroopers chute.


The Mother - a woman who's hands have been in more turkey asses than I can count - is so gracious in her impatience with me. "Honey, it's not that bad. It's two holes, to bags. It takes all of 2 minutes. I will walk you through it, Sweetie... FOR GOD'S SAKE, KRIS. BE A WOMAN AND GET YOUR HAND IN THAT TURKEY'S ASS!" (I think the fact that my goggles had slipped down over my nose and had become foggy from all the warm nostril air really pushed her over the edge.)

I am totally donating this bird to charity.

Posted by Foodwhore at November 22, 2004 10:23 AM

I am proud to annouce I have no problem sticking my hand in a turkey's ass! Now ask me to trim fat off beef and I will cave!


Just another reason we are so good for each other! I'll clean your turkey ass any day as long as you take care of my beef!

Posted by: Gail at November 22, 2004 06:54 PM

You already know how I feel about raw poultry.....prepping the Thanksgiving bird just about puts me over the edge each holiday. Don't know how I lucked out, but this year I somehow persuaded my dad into the turkey duty.

As for the bag o' nasties that's hidden up the turkey's ass......

Posted by: Lina at November 23, 2004 10:36 AM

Wimps - all of you. It is just dead meat. Nothing more. Be it beef, turkey, chicken, pork, or fish - it's dead. Cook it and be done!

Posted by: HomefrontSix at November 23, 2004 11:04 AM

It might be dead meat but it is a TURKEY'S ASS!

Posted by: Food Whore at November 23, 2004 03:23 PM

ROTFL!!!!!

Try first having to prop the turkey's butt up under the spout in the bathtub, leaving the hot water running for hours, so it's thawed just enough to pry the "loot bag" out and getting it into the oven a little too firm... because someone forgot to take it out of the freezer to thaw!

Posted by: wilsonian at November 28, 2004 06:38 PM
 
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