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In the last three days before Sunday's Trick I took no less than 10 phone calls from The Didn't Want To Pay For 110 Guests Lady. (For future reference and to save a little typing, we will from here on out refer to her as Mrs. 110)

I understand people have questions and I try to make myself available to their needs.

But Mrs. 110 was bothering me to the point of excessive Tums chewing. She was being nit-picky and asked the same series of questions over and over and over each time she called. I finally had to tell her that I would not be available by phone as I would be busy tricking for others but would call her if I had a question.

Her last and most persistant line of questioning had to do with my time of arrival to The Trick.

"The wedding starts at 3:00 and I assume you will want in there by 7:00 a.m."

"Right. Ok."

So as we are pulling in to the venue my cel phone rang. The Husband called to informe me Mrs. 110 had called 5 times and had also called The Partner's house in a panic. At the stroke of 12:00 she was just certain we had bailed on her and they would be without food for the wedding.

So as I rolled my first cart into the kitchen I was met with a hysterical woman.

"Oh thank Gooooooooood! I was certain you were not coming!"

"I know but it's... 1:45."

There was an awkward silence as Her Husband tapped her on the shoulder and asked to speak to her in the hall. It was clear he had lost patience with her.

As had The Bride, The Groom, and The Minister.

So we went about unpacking our wares and loading in the Cameo* when I was greated by Photographer Man.

"Oh cool! You are catering this one!"

Crap.

Photographer Man owns a photography studio with his wife and I stress the words with his wife because she is always on site with him and yet he always manages to find his way to my side and flirt with me in a way that would embarass even an aging lothario in a college campus bar.

We first met Photographer Man last Winter at a Trick and as people in The Biz do we exchanged business cards for recommendations to others. He was funny and witty and his wife was ever so charming. But he spent a lot of time in the kitchen acting as if he was being indiscreet with his camera taking candids of all the important people. When, in fact, all he was really doing was leaning over my shoulder and dropping one-liners like we were on a single's cruise to Mazatlan.

I blew it off because, frankly, I was busy and I didn't want to cause a scene. And I have found that in those situations, ignoring things like that usually make them go away.

Usually.

Not so much luck this time.

We had work to do and I wasn't giving him much time and I hoped his was just a case poor social skills in the past instead of a problem and that I wouldn't have to deal with any sort of issues on this night.

So I set about my business and before long here he was taking shots of the flowers and my displays...and me.

"Did you just take a picture of me?"

"Whatever. Put the camera down."

He laughed thinking I was being silly.

So the wedding starts and We're in the kitchen building our chilled prawn display when we hear the faint sound of a shutter clicking. The Partner sighed and said, "Oh here we go..." when Photographer Man said, "Oh those look fabulous, can I have one?"

I gave him a couple of chilled prawns hoping he would go away but instead he came closer and rubbed my arm.

HE RUBBED MY ARM.

So I am in this really awkward position of wanting to plunge his face into the bowl of cocktail sauce but trying to just play it off as not to cause a rukus.

"So where's your wife?", I asked.

"Oh she's doing shots from the stairwell."

"No, seriously. I'm serious. No more pictures. And here's the thing. Touching is not a good idea. There are sharp things in here and I would hate for you to lose a digit."

*Laugh Laugh Laugh* "Oh you're silly."

"No. I am really not. And I don't think your wife would find me silly, either."

I stood there, head tilted and eyebrow raised, while he stammered and looked at the floor. The Partner was silent, but was shaking as she was fighting terribly not to bust out in laughter.

He left the kitchen without incident when The Partner began laughing hysterically. "You should have seen the look on your face! I nearly wet myself with the whole 'raised eyebrow I will kick your ass if you do that again face'".

"What creeps me out the most is not knowing how many pictures he has of me and what he's been doing with them."

"I am, yes."

So it was time to serve the food and people were freaking pigs. I mean like 'Wearing silk and stilletos but plowing through smoked salmon like it was the last ration from The Titanic', pigs. It was insane.

But like every other Trick we got through it with a small portion of our sanity in tact. People were thrilled, the Client was ecstatic and all was on course.

It all seemed pretty harmless, really, until we were in the middle of clean-up when I was approached by The Lady in Red Guest.

"Um, excuse me? Caterer? Excuse me?"

"Well good. Can you run off and find me one. I want to bring food home."

It took me a minute to get my witts about me. I was actually being asked for a freaking doggie bag at a wedding. This woman actually wanted to take food home with her - on someone else's dime. I tried to pick my words carefully as I had an audience and The Wedding Coordinator was waiting to the right of me trying to get my attention.

So while I wanted to say was, "Would you like the promotional toy to go with your Happy Meal?", I actually said, "I am sorry, no."

The Lady in Red Guest was upset and turned away in a huff. I chuckled and shook my head when The Wedding Coordinator said, "My God. What's with people? Do you have to deal with that kind of shit all the time?"

"You have no idea.", I replied.

"Well people are wacked, that's for sure."

"Speaking of that, the reason I wanted to speak to you was because The Photographer was showing me some candids he took and he has like 10 pictures of you on his camera. What's up with that?"

Great.

*(Editor's Note: A Cameo is an insulated box that we use to transport hot foods and keep them at optimal serving temperature. It is not, in fact, the 80's R&B group with the lead singer who wears a red leather codpiece.)

Posted by Foodwhore at December 20, 2004 09:53 PM