« Get Down! It's The Schwan's Man! | Main | Another Reason to Live »

Photo Ops and Steroids
March 08, 2005

Ah, March. Lovely month.


The month where Winter gives way to spring.

The month where the hyacinth and daffodils begin to bloom.

The month where pretty cherry blossoms like the streets in canopies of pink and white.


And it's the month I descend into Allergy Hell.


It hit me like a ton of bricks on Thursday morning as I awoke with swollen, watery eyes and an itch in the back of my throat not reachable by anything but a large shard of bamboo. And if sneezing were an Olympic sport, Yours Truly would be standing atop the podium as we speak.

Sunday night was a particularly low point for me. I was pretty close to taking a handful of Benadryl with a vodka chaser and just hope for the best.

I was unable to reach my doctor until yesterday morning when I begged upon his mercy to give me something - anything - to make it all go away. He kindly informed me that by 5:00 yesterday afternoon, something fabulous would be waiting at the pharmacy for me.


But first I had to get groceries.


My schedule has been so crazy and it had been a while since I had gone power shopping. The Pantry was starting to resemble something from the Old Mother Hubbard series.


For once the store was great - no wackos to contend with. I happily filled my cart with such wonderful items as proscuitto and eggs and chocolate and milk and everything my house was lacking.

And so then I am standing in the check-out line, mindlessly chatting with Mr. Checker when all of the sudden "CLICK FLASH CLICK FLASH".

Someone was taking my damn picture.

When my vision finally cleared enough to get a good look at the culprit, I focused in on the store manager who was laughing herself silly. There I stand, swollen watery eyes and a hunk of tissue shoved up my nose and now it's all on film.

"What in the heck are you doing??"

"Well you're the customer to get the most freebies today!"

"Freebies?"

"Yeah, your milk, eggs, bread, and apples are all free."

"Why?"

"Did you see the promotion banners on the store?"

"Uh, no."

"Well because of the dollar amount you have spent and because of all the promo items you bought, you have gotten the most free stuff in a single purchase."

"And you took my picture because..."

"To hang it on our Wall of Fame."

"No."

"Ha ha ha, yes!"

"If you value me as a customer at all - you won't. My God, look at me!"

"Yeah - that's another reason we took the picture - future bribery."


"You are cruel people."


So everyone had a good laugh at my expense which was fine, keeps me humble. (Bastards)


So off to the pharmacy I go to speak To The Man Who Gives Out Drugs. (Who's also a family friend) He gave me my meds and explained to me that one was a nasal steroid.

"Steroid?"

"Yes - it will build up the lining of your sinuses to.."

"Is my nose going to get huge?"

"Good grief no. It's not THAT kind of steroid."

"Will I grow a penis and lose my breasts?"

"Uh, no."

"Will I look like those freaky body-building women who get the beginnings of an Adam's Apple?"

"*Sigh* Shoot this up your nose twice a day and stop being so dramatic."

"Fine, but if my voice drops a few octaves, I am going to hold you accountable."


It occured to me that I should have let them hang my picture in the grocery store. It's probably the last shot of me with a normal size nose as I am certain that by this time next week it will be the size of North Dakota.

Posted by Foodwhore at March 8, 2005 10:09 AM

Your nose won't get huge.

I promise. I shoot that steroid shit up my nose every day and have been doing it for a couple of years now.

My nose is still the same size of big it was to begin with.

What has changed is that I can breathe.

Oxygen is good. Shoot the stuff up your nose and breathe.

Posted by: Barbara at March 8, 2005 09:10 PM

Ewwww.,,,.what if you grow facial hair?? Like a beard?? I'm just kidding. You're friend wouldn't give you anything like that. I love your stories.

Posted by: Lajhen at March 8, 2005 09:28 PM
 
Powered by Movable Type 3.15