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Dirty Little Secrets
June 25, 2005

I am starting to think that Vacation Food Whore isn't the real me. On vacation I was stress free, I was jovial, I was relaxed and, well, I was just plain enjoyable to be around. Which, I realize that's what a good vacation does to a person. But I went on vacation because I wanted to get back to the real me.


Turns out the real me is just an angry bitch who walks around bitching about people's eating habits. And really, it's not so charming.


This week has been a particularly bad one. The Wine and Chocolate buzz lasted for about an hour and then I had to face the rigors of the restaurant where we spent another night bastardizing our menu just to make people happy. I am telling you, we are within days of literally ordering our new menus saying, "Just tell us what the Hell you want and we will cook it for you - $19.95". As if that wasn't bad enough, a client who booked us for July 9th called LAST WEEK to say she made a mistake and had, in fact, meant to book us for July 2nd.


Beyond that I am dealing with what The Husband calls, "The Week He Just Stays The Hell Out Of My Way", also known as PMS. And in this house PMS stands for Pretty Mean Shit. And you know, I hate it when people roll their eyes and say PMS doesn't exist.

Ask anyone who knows me, it just fucking does.


So I did what I do when I am in a mood and craving the kinds of foods I mock others for serving their children - I went shopping and bought this:

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Only I tried to hide it. I can't mock something and then turn around and buy it. Well, I can. But I go to a different grocery store and pray to God I don't see anyone I know. It's kind of like going in the back door of a porn shop - sneak in, get the goods, sneak back out and hope the church elders don't see you.

Only this time out damn if someone I knew wasn't right in front of me in line. So I nestled this can of goodness behind the bananas and fresh basil I bought, hoping they wouldn't see it. As if they would care. But I cared. Because I am just that messed up.


And damn if 3 more people I know didn't get in line behind me. I started to wonder if word was out I was shopping for my Dirty Little Secrets and people rushed to the store to catch me in the act.


So my items get checked and bagged and I was in a hurry to just get the Hell out of there when the checker hollers, "Ma'am! Ma'am! I am so sorry, I forgot to put your canned ravioli in your bag. You can't have Italian for dinner without this!"


I wanted to keep walking but he would have kept hollering so instead I turned around and faced my demons like a big girl and said, "Oh, Thank you! My husband is craving this stuff and he never would have forgiven me."

That's right - I blamed it on The Husband. But he will never know. This is the week he just stays the Hell out of my way.

*Author's Note: Do you see that message on the can where it says "Look! Easy Open Top". Well that's just crap. I nearly severed a digit in my struggles and in the process splattered that fake tomato sauce all over my backsplash. Damnit.

Posted by Foodwhore at June 25, 2005 12:20 AM

Surely if that were my day and something as sharp as a SPORK were handy I would have killed myself like a Samuri. Fall on my own sword. I am printing this for my partner (mom). This will be the standard for a bad day/week. Complaining will not be heard until your threshold is crossed. Thank you drive through.

Posted by: Paul at June 25, 2005 01:41 AM

You know, we really do need to get together...but we have to work on the timing. This is the week the hubster Stays the Hell Out of My Way too. I have to say, I've never craved anything by Chef Boyardee. But I am sitting here with a glass of wine and an entire bag of beef jerkey.

Posted by: Barb at June 25, 2005 04:18 AM

Good luck on those new menus. We feel just the same.

We also go through the food secret dilemma as in our small town people are always looking into our cart to see what we're buying. The GM has a taste for canned vegetables, corn, green beans, peas, she likes 'em mushy.

We work it out so that we have a day off together from the restaurant and a day off each to ourselves. On her day off she sometimes doesn't leave the house and so keeps boxed Indian dinners around. Which used to be cause for grocery cart consternation but now, I don't care.

Posted by: haddock at June 25, 2005 10:20 AM

Do my eyes deceive me or did you actually use a camera?

I was afraid you were going to say you served it to some clients.

I lived off of Spaghettios my whole 1st semester of college.

Posted by: veg4me at June 25, 2005 02:33 PM

hate to say this but I am so glad someone else is going thru this whole pms thing as badly as me this week.

My family are tiptoeing around me and I just want to pack my bags and get the hell out of everywhere

hope your feeling better!

Posted by: a girl running at June 25, 2005 05:49 PM

I say you're fine as long as there was no Velveeta in your shopping cart.


Like Barb, I have not craved Chef Boyardee but the pint of Baskin Robbins Mint Chip ice cream is screaming my name right now...

Posted by: HomefrontSix at June 26, 2005 12:37 AM

Ha ha! I can be a food snob too, but I still crave cheetos once in a while! :)

Posted by: Victoria Winters at June 26, 2005 09:01 AM

I mostly lurk, but I had to post when I saw we are sharing the week of PMS. I got thre obligatory "Oh, so, we are in a mood, are we?" last night from the fiance'. I promptly told him to ^&*% off and pour me another Coke zero (not bad, by the way).

And, if I could only crave the blessed canned ravioli, but this whiny bitch has to go home and make Gazpacho to sleep soundly tonight. God, I hate this time of the month. My life for an air conditioned cave to sleep for the week.

Posted by: Phyllis at June 26, 2005 10:31 AM

anyone who says that pms doesn't exist is either in complete denial, or has never know a woman over the age of 16.

Posted by: Alisa at June 26, 2005 02:36 PM

Must be something in the water....I'm sure the BF thought he saw the Three Faces of Eve over the weekend.

The gallon of vanilla and strawberry ice cream I had was absolutely delicious.

Posted by: TX Friend at June 27, 2005 07:23 AM

Soo... you think maybe you can figure out how they make that sauce? Not that I eat Chef... a lot... but I do like the sauce....

Posted by: RobinB at June 28, 2005 04:07 PM

I sob hysterically the day before It arrives every month - it's how I know to go to the store.

And I *HATE* supermarkets.

Posted by: Carly at June 28, 2005 07:52 PM
 
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