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« Yeah. I'm a Whore | Main | Travel Promo » Mashed Potato Surprise
June 18, 2005
About a year or so ago I posted this story. I can't tell you how many times over the last year I have regretted not being honest with this woman. And not because it's my heart's desire to be cruel. But because every time I run into her she feels the need to share with me a new recipe that she has created. A recipe which she is "just certain I could use for Tricking!" She's even called and sent e-mails and each time I am polite and gracious and hope to God she's not actually telling people that she is the source of my recipes.
The people around me were shifting to get a look at my face. It's become a game, really, to see if I can pull off yet another genuine-looking smile and reaction to another one of Rita's creations. "Ok, this one would be fabulous if you ever had to do something like a family reunion or something like that. Have you ever catered a family reunion?" "We've done a few...but..." "Then this will be perfect! It's the ultimate in comfort food for a crowd." "Well we..." "Ok. Now, I make mine in an 18-Quart Roaster, do you know the kind I am talking about? Anyway, I use it even when I make it for my family. That way we have a ton of leftovers!" "18-Quart? Wow, that's a lot of food for your small family..." "Oh my family loves it. Anyway. I call it Mashed Potato Surprise. Isn't that a great name?" All I could think of was, well, wishing I was somewhere else. My friend Julie was biting her lips in a attempt to keep from bursting out into guffaws.
"Oh how funny! No. Here's how it's done. First you layer instant mashed potato flakes on the bottom. I use 1/2 a box. Then over that you pour 4 cans of Cream of Mushroom soup. On top of that you do chunks of velveeta. I use an entire brick! Don't you just love the way Velveeta melts?" Sweet Merciful Jesus. I didn't even have time to respond, my entire focus was spent on making sure my face didn't look like someone punched me in the gut. "Ok so then on top of the velveeta you add 3 cans of lima beans, corn, and carrots. Wait! I don't mean 3 cans each. I mean one can of each, 3 total. Ok so where was I... oh! Ok so on top of the vegetables you layer chopped ham and then you cut up a cube of butter and drop that over the ham. And then you cook it on 275 all day or until the mashed potatoes bubble up from the bottom. Which is why it's a surprise! No one knows there are mashed potatoes in there! Isn't that fantastic?"
"Oh you need to try it. Promise me you will at least try it!" "I will try it, sometime. Perhaps in the Fall when it's cool outside." "That would be perfect! I can't wait to hear your review. I plan to make it one of these days and I will bring you a sample."
Posted by Foodwhore at June 18, 2005 03:54 PM 
OMG Kris she used all your favorites!! LMAO HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEE!!!! Posted by: Gail at June 20, 2005 03:58 PM I don't know who to be sorrier for... that woman, or her family who have to eat what she cooks. Yeesh. Posted by: Dr Alice at June 20, 2005 04:25 PM All I can say is thank god I wasn't eating anything when I read that. And what kind of person uses an 18-quart roaster to prepare a casserole unless they have 23 children (possibly children without tastebuds, from the sound of it). Posted by: Nic at June 20, 2005 05:39 PM When I was a kid, my mom won an honorable mention in a cooking contest. How she won that level I don't know, unless there were only four entries. It was called "Fish Stick chowder" and it was a tomato based soup, with frozen fish sticks, frozen french fries, and mixed frozen veggies dumped in and boiled. GAG. Posted by: Carmen at June 20, 2005 06:31 PM Yikes. I WAS eating when I read this. The word "Velveeta" never fails to turn my stomach. Is it really even food?!? Posted by: Kelli at June 20, 2005 06:42 PM I am so glad that I have never experienced the horror of velvetta, and that we don't have orange cheese in Australia. A friend of mine was dumped because of the tuna casserole she made...lol Posted by: clare eats at June 20, 2005 07:47 PM That can't be real - she's pulling your leg, right? (I didn't know potato flakes were used for anything more than a thickener!) Posted by: Alida at June 20, 2005 10:20 PM Oh. My. Gosh. Tell her she should deep-fry that crap and sell it at a southern diner. Posted by: Barb at June 21, 2005 03:58 AM That is just foul. Posted by: Barbara at June 21, 2005 07:14 AM You keep re-affirming that you are a better person than I am. If the weapon were a SPORK I would have killed myself, Under 5 minutes...Yeah Gahndi Called, he wants all of his patience for not killing stupid people back. Posted by: Paul at June 21, 2005 07:46 AM Oh, yeah right ... silly woman. SHE FORGOT THE TATER TOTS!! MUST. ADD. TATER TOTS!! Posted by: Damomma at June 21, 2005 09:00 AM Not only velveeta, but a WHOLE BLOCK of it! Yipeeeeee!!! *hurl* Posted by: Kate at June 21, 2005 09:38 AM It's awful. She is a horrible, horrible cook. The sad thing is she's feeding a husband and 3 small children.
When a 4-year old tries to flee soup day - you know it's bad. Posted by: The Food Whore at June 21, 2005 10:44 AM The latest issue of Sunset magazine had some divine recipes for making grilled cheese sandwiches on the grill. Surprisingly, none called for velveeta. Posted by: veg4me at June 21, 2005 10:45 AM Velveeta *shudder* Posted by: Melissa at June 21, 2005 12:35 PM And no doubt the block of Velveeta is the industrial size. Posted by: Michelle at June 22, 2005 06:44 AM How did you not gag while she spoke? Posted by: kel at June 22, 2005 10:37 AM Oh.my.God. Triple yuck! And y'all are right - her poor family! Posted by: Sweetnicks at June 22, 2005 11:39 AM Oh my freaking god. That is HILARIOUS. You are way too kind. I think I would have had to say something mean to her... Posted by: megwoo at June 24, 2005 11:38 AM I hope you asked her for her recipe for hot dogs wrapped in canned biscuits. Posted by: the pragmatic chef™ at June 24, 2005 04:03 PM Thats HILARIOUS. It reminds me of the time my ex-bro in law decided to whip up his homemade version of tuna salad sandwiches. This included 3 minute ramen noodles, mustard, peas, carrots, and canned tuna. VOMIT. Posted by: Ashe at June 25, 2005 01:50 PM  |