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Simon McNoseypants
June 08, 2005

I have a small Trick tomorrow night and needed a few things that weren't worth ordering from Mr. Food Supplier. So to Costco I went.


And I swear that every time I pass through the big doors and flash my member card (with the picture that looks like I've been on a 3-week bender), a neon sign lights up on my ass and flashes, "Follow Me! Look in My Cart!"


I can't get through that place without some hanger-on who peers into my cart every chance they get and who seems to follow me down every aisle.

Tonight's hanger-on was Simon McNoseypants.


I first noticed Simon when I was checking out the new set of glass hurricane candle sconces. I had already placed a large 12-pack of paper towels in my cart and for some reason, Simon found them interesting.

I looked at him, smiled, and was on my merry way to the vegetable cooler.


And while placing a package of sugar snap peas I looked over my shoulder and noticed Simon checking out a bag of romaine hearts while pretending not to watch me. "Don't look now", said The Partner, "We've got a cart stalker."

So we went our separate ways; The Partner to the watermelon, and I to the dairy cooler. Simon didn't seem to follow until I rounded the corner to the freezers and there he was picking out a box of those mini cream puffs. I didn't make eye contact this time but could see out of the corner of my eye as he looked over all the items in my cart.

I kept walking and beat it down the coffee aisle when I noticed Simon pass over to the next aisle. I decided to throw off the pace by swinging into the book section when I noticed Simon stop over at the sock display. While he was distracted I headed down the spice aisle to grab a bottle of olive oil when he comes up behind me, looks at the dried onion flakes, and then grabs a bottle of olive oil for his own cart.

So I'm moving - I get crackers, Simon gets crackers. I get a box of Honey Nut Cheerios for The Husband, Simon gets a box, too.


Sure it could all be coincidence. Or Simon could be a bored and lonely Mr. McNoseypants who finds great pleasure in being a Costco Stalker.

Either way, I decided to mess with him a bit. Because, you know, I'm totally insane like that.


So I grabbed a bag of dried cranberries and shortly after, Simon did, too. And then I turned around and put mine back. But he kept his. Hmmm... interesting.

I turned into the next aisle and Simon didn't follow. "Just a fluke", I thought. Until I found myself face to face with him in the pasta aisle. He never looked at my face - just scanned my cart, scanned his, and went around me.

When I ran into Simon again by the soaps, I noticed he had gone back and gotten the same parmesean cracker breads I got and the 3 pack of English Cucumbers he missed while I tried to lose him by the tomatoes.

So to toally step up the game I grabbed a pack of Pampers and a bottle of Neutrogena Body Oil. "Take that, Mr. McNoseypants" ,I said to myself, and headed toward the checkout. He didn't follow and he didn't take the bait of the Pampers or the body wash.


I met The Partner in line and she said, "Um, what's with the Pampers? You don't have a child". "I know", I replied. "But I had to step up the game and I think I won."

"I have no idea what your talking about but I do believe you've gone and lost your damn mind."


Yeah.

She's totally right.


Posted by Foodwhore at June 8, 2005 09:43 PM

are you ready for another vacation already? sure sounds like it! (I just planned 5 days at a spa in Palm Springs, and booked myself for a treatment they call a Veggie Wrap! How pathetic is that, I can't even go to a spa without having it remind me of work!)

Posted by: MisChef at June 8, 2005 11:30 PM

I love you posts :)
I am always guarenteed a good chuckle.

but what is a costco card (we dont have cost co in oz....)

Posted by: clare eats at June 9, 2005 12:44 AM

I love your life...an adventure every day!

; )

Posted by: Meg at June 9, 2005 02:13 AM

I was certain you were going to grab a 48 pack of Summer's Eve.

Posted by: Barb at June 9, 2005 03:35 AM

Those sugar snap peas are a dream.

Posted by: flynngrrl at June 9, 2005 06:47 AM

I wonder if he worked in Marketing or something and was doing research since you are a frequent shopper. But very bizarre that he wouldn't tell you that after you checked out or somehting.

I second the Summer's Eve!!! LOL

Posted by: Kim at June 9, 2005 07:29 AM

Ha! Just found your blog and this story cracked me up ... (Clare - Costco is a Huge warehouse selling bulk housewares and food - one needs a membership to shop there ... )

Posted by: Katy at June 9, 2005 08:02 AM

LOL!

Feminine hygiene products all the way. That is how I deal with weirdo cart stalkers.

Or turn to them and ask them off the wall questions.

Or go to the feminine hygiene aisle, and stare at the plethora of products and if he is lurking nearbye, ask him which tampons he uses.

Or something equally bizarre.

Asking weird questions usually gives the impression that you are crazier than they are and it often makes them come to the conclusion that they might want to leave you alone.

Posted by: Barbara at June 9, 2005 08:43 AM

gotta admire his taste in cream puffs. I kind of like them. They are great for parties though I personally prefer to eat them straight from the freezer.

Posted by: sam at June 9, 2005 05:56 PM

Next time, try grabbing two of something, toss one in his cart and see how he reacts.

In all seriousness, it sounds creepy. (It wasn't that client who wanted free caterer lessons was it?)

Posted by: kitchen hand at June 10, 2005 01:57 AM

Sometimes when I go to the grocery nearest my house, the checker has to comment on EVERYTHING I've bought..."oooh, nice dishwashing liquid! Hey, these pears are on sale, you know. Hmmm, have you actually tried those tampons? I mean on the really heavy days?"
Last time I went, I bought Ex-Lax, an enema, salad tongs, and a mousetrap.
She didn't say a word.

Posted by: LeeAnn at June 10, 2005 12:19 PM

I would have grabbed a mondo box of tampons just to see what he did. Did you buy the Pampers? What size? I'm sure the Mother of Presidents could use them!

Posted by: HomefrontSix at June 10, 2005 02:44 PM

Maybe you are just incredibly hot and he couldn't resist your charms...

Posted by: Suebob at June 13, 2005 10:24 PM
 
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