Diary of The Food Whore: Sticky Thighs and Stinky Cheese and Yeah, The Car.

Sticky Thighs and Stinky Cheese and Yeah, The Car.

July 27, 2005

They lie.

It doesn't always rain, here. I mean, we get plenty of rain. But I do think it's just one of those things the media pushes as to keep the influx of outsiders from moving in.

Bottom line - it's hot. And I love hot. I do. But right now, in the house with no Air Conditioning, I am sitting with a fan blowing at my legs as to try and prevent the inevitable sticking of my thighs to the chair. Even without the sticking, the backs of my legs are going to look like a small-ribbed washboard from the bamboo reeds wrapped around this seat.

It's like some kind of torture, really. I give up basic comfort like small-ribbed, washboard-less thighs so I can have the damn bamboo chair.

Of course, the painful peeling of the thighs may be just the thing to take my mind off that bead of sweat dripping from my neck down to my back.

Drip.

Even The Husband is exhasperated. Though I have to be totally honest and say that it has nothing to do with the heat. I think he's finally reached his peak of not understanding how a woman can be so focused on the job, and yet so completely retarted in her every day life. (Welcome to my world, Pal.)

Anyway.

I had a Trick on Sunday and during the prep I could not, for the life of me, find my wedge of Parmesan cheese. I searched every tote and bag and nothing. I had enough time to call one of my workers to pick some up at the grocery store on her way out. But I was totally perplexed. I knew I had just bought that wedge and it simply was nowhere to be found. I assumed I would find it in the back of the cooler or quite possibly in my own refrigerator and I just didn't give it much thought.

So, The Trick went fabulous - a nice treat, indeed - and I forgot about the cheese.

Now, cut to this morning. And to give you a little back story, I hadn't driven The Car in a few days as The Husband has been working from home and I've needed his vehicle to do some hauling. I thought enough to put one of those window visors on the dash on Monday and even cracked the window, a bit. Just, you know, to keep things fresh. The Car has been good to me, though I can't say I've been so good to her.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

Those of you who know me well enough can about imagine what I am about to tell you, next. It's a totally predictable thing, my problems.

I was running late for an appointment this morning and I ran out to the car, opened up the door and staggered back.

It seems The Mysteriously Missing Parmesan had not, in fact, gone missing. It was simply mutating under my driver's seat. And when I say mutating, I mean weeping and curdling in all the heat and creating a smell so vile and so overbearing that even maggots would turn their noses. Do they have noses, maggots?

I did the only thing I could do at that point. I shut the door on the car and took The Husband's to my appointment. The Husband was on the treadmill so I called and got the machine. I informed him, in my most cheerful of voices, that I took his vehicle because The Car was having some problems that I would take care of when I got home.

I sort of assumed that The Husband wouldn't think much of it but his manly curiosity got the best of him, and by the time I returned from my appointment he was standing by my car with that "look" on his face. And by "look" I mean, "My God, woman. How do you do these things, HOW? This isn't the firs time!"

Hey, buddy. I ask myself that each and every day.

So, anyway. The car - it smells. And I say smells because it still smells. A good vacuuming and can of Lysol didn't cut it. Febreeze only made it smell like Fresh Laundry hanging next to weepy and curdly (curdely?) Parmesan.

It's just not good in there.

The Husband threw in a couple of those Fresh Pine car tree thingies. (While swearing, I might add) And now it just smells like Fresh Laundry in a Fresh Pine Forrest with a curdly (again, curdely?) chunk of Parmesan.

Maybe, perhaps, I should hang a head of Romaine from the rear-view mirror and throw a few croutons around the car. And maybe, perhaps, I should get a personalized license plaet that says, "Caesar".

Or maybe, perhaps, I should just never leave the house, again.

Ever.

Although I am pretty sure I overheard The Husband saying something about selling me to the Gypsies.

As long as they drink Lemon Drops, I am totally ok with that.

Posted by Foodwhore at July 27, 2005 10:47 PM

Ahhh, you make me laugh so well!

My daughter has a car sick thing. And for me the smell is oh so close to parmesan. There is a product available at auto parts places, or in the auto-aisles of some stores, just for removing vomit smell, that is absolutely amazing. Once borrowed the almost new Mercedes of a friend, she puked, we cleaned and NO ONE ever knew.

Posted by: Alisa at July 28, 2005 04:24 AM

Hey.. I got a trick.. that may work.. mix equal parts of vinegar with bleach and put inside the car.. this should clear te smell right up! If it does not, you did not read it from me :)

Posted by: Monica at July 28, 2005 05:43 AM

Kitty litter. (Preferable unused.) Put a shallow pan or two of it in the car. Close up the car again. Let rest for a day or two. The litter should absorb the odor.

Baking soda. Lots of it. Put a shallow pan or two of it in the car. Same instructions as above. Should work.

If neither of these work, consult a professional.
You have my sympathies.

Posted by: Annie at July 28, 2005 06:08 AM

I meant to buy the pet hair release for carpets one day, and accidently bought the carpet deodorizer instead. It is fabulous, no vaccuming needed and the scent (at least the pet one, I've not tried the others) isn't cloying or overpowering at all. Maybe they'd work?

Posted by: tara at July 28, 2005 06:40 AM

omg I am laughing so hard. tears. pain. coworkers think I am nuts. hilarious!

Posted by: gaile at July 28, 2005 09:14 AM

Dear Food Whore,

Try putting a small dish of white vinegar in your car for a day. I swear it will absorb the cheese smell. Yes, The Car will smell like you were dyeing Easter eggs for a few days, but that evaporates in a day. It has worked on everything. It has saved apartments, cars, tents, you name it.
Good luck. And if your husband is looking for Gypsies make sure he doesn't talk to my half-Hungarian husband, he could probably find some.
Tina

Posted by: Tina at July 28, 2005 09:15 AM

Tina beat me to it-got for the vinegar. And maybe don't invite anyone to ride in your car for a few days. : )

Posted by: Kate at July 28, 2005 09:19 AM

Eep! Had to come out of lurkdom when I saw Monica's comment. DO NOT under any circumstances mix vinegar and bleach! The result is chlorine gas. Vinegar on its own will probably work though.

By the way, I love your site. I think I woke my husband up, I was laughing so hard this morning.

Posted by: Lesley at July 28, 2005 09:28 AM

I believe it's the ammonia/bleach combo you want to stay away from, not vinegar/bleach.

Posted by: Tiberia at July 28, 2005 02:40 PM

Try the Bounce dryer sheets - just place a couple of them under the seats of the car.

Let us know which suggestion worked for you stinky cheese car - hey, maybe you can write a children's book on this subject.

Posted by: hester at July 28, 2005 08:20 PM

There's only one way to get rid of the cheese smell - leave a frozen chicken in the car for a week.

Amazing how the cheese smell will disappear just like that. (I did it once, and fish another time, but the chicken was worse. And had maggots.)

Posted by: kitchen hand at July 29, 2005 12:01 AM

Oh the maggots would be a nice touch. Yikes!!

Thank you for all the tips!

Posted by: The Food Whore at July 29, 2005 08:20 AM

Me again.. yet its the ammonia/bleach combo that creates chlorine gas... I have 4 cats - YEP.. FOUR!!! and belive me the vinegar/bleach combo kills the smell in a flash! And nothing (but, maybe with this exeption) is more stinky that a cat little box beloging to 4 cats.

And I have not blown them up yet! :)

Posted by: Monica at July 29, 2005 09:25 AM

Urp.

I think I gagged a little bit back there.

But yea, vinegar will work.

Urp.

Posted by: Fatemeh at July 29, 2005 10:58 AM

I'm trying to decide if I'd rather live with the smell of rotten cheese or the time my cat peed under the passenger seat.

Humid/musty days still bring a faint scent back...

Try coating the spot with Arm&Hammer, a nice thick blanket. Don't look into replacing the carpet, the thousand(s) quote won't be pretty.

Posted by: annex at July 30, 2005 09:07 AM