Diary of The Food Whore: Pigs are Not Romantic

Pigs are Not Romantic

July 05, 2005

When I first started out in this business one of my favorite things to do was watch from the shadows as people ate my food. I got total pleasure from watching people's reaction as they enjoyed the fruits my labor. I loved their smiles and their "oooohs" and "aaaahhs". It was all kind of romantic, really.

And now the romance is dead. I just can't watch. I might vomit if I do.

Because the thing is, people are fucking pigs.

I cannot begin to describe to you how utterly disgusting people can be when they stand with a plate in their hand scouring over a buffet like a vulture over a dead cow. I watched in horror on Saturday night as a man took three chicken breasts. Three. Apparently the 10 oz. of beef covering the other half of his plate just wasn't going to satisfy his hunger. Nor was the stack of grilled asparagus or 10 lbs. of roasted potatoes he had teetering on the rim.

And the worst part? He was eating as he was going through the line so as he was putting food on his plate he would pick a chunk with his fingers and cram it in his mouth. And no one around him seemed to mind. They were all quite jovial and seemingly unbothered by the fact that their friend/husband/father (whatever he was) was making a complete and total pig of himself.

And no one cared. And do you know why? Because people lose complete and total sense of manners around food. It doesn't matter how old or how young, how rich or how poor. It doesn't even matter man or woman. When you give some people an empty plate and a buffet they completely and totally lose any sense of decorum and class they may have.

Did you ever see (or remember) the movie Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd? And that scene were Dan gets all dressed up as Santa and heads to the Christmas party at the offices of Duke & Duke? And he gets all drunk and starts shoving food into his Santa pockets and in his Santa jacket? And remember how that big slab of smoked fish gets all caught in his beard?

THAT is what it's like watching people make pigs of themselves.

And you know, it goes beyond manners. What about brains? Do they honestly think there's just an endless supply of food coming out of the kitchen? Unless you're Shaquille O'Neil or even the fictitional (or not) Sasquatch, a caterer doesn't plan 3 pieces of chicken per person. Nor does the caterer plan for you to stand there and fill your pockets full of bread and butter because they don't fit on your plate. NOR does the caterer plan for you to take 14 chilled shrimp to "save yourself from making 2 trips".

(My God. Why do I do this, again?)

The only thing the caterer plans for is the pitcher of lemon drops when she gets home. Sometimes it's just the only thing that makes her job worthwhile.

Posted by Foodwhore at July 5, 2005 09:50 AM

I totally never thought of a buffet that way *shudder* But the truth hurts and o'course lemon drops make the end of the day totally worthwhile.

Posted by: Melissa at July 5, 2005 12:37 PM

Your posts make me laugh all the time ;) I had some quite nasty buffet experiences and always was wondering, if those people on purpose hadn't eaten for days "knowing" about the upcoming food event...?

Posted by: Nicky at July 5, 2005 01:30 PM

I am never the pig going through the buffet line. I don't like my food to touch:)

Posted by: Valerie at July 5, 2005 02:05 PM

Lemon drops can cure almost anything. I need one now...

Posted by: megwoo at July 5, 2005 02:07 PM

Thanks for the lemon drop recipe! I experimented with it last night using some lemon peel syrup left over from making candied lemon peel...sweet...

Your adventures in whoring are addictive - I am lost in awe!

Posted by: Meg at July 5, 2005 02:27 PM

I got a plan.

Get a cattle prod and hide under the buffet table.

*zap* *zap*

Posted by: veg4me at July 5, 2005 03:15 PM

And people wonder why I shy away from buffets! It's watching displays like that that just disgust me. All that work, all that wonderful food -- to have to serve it to pigs must be heartbreaking :(

Posted by: Alida at July 5, 2005 05:11 PM

I hate to watch people at salad bars or buffet lines. It is just disgusting.

People just have no matters or class. It makes me want to see them choke.

Posted by: Barbara at July 5, 2005 06:06 PM

Buffet lines? I call them scarf and barfs. Mind you, most of the general public has the "super size me" mentality and just doesn't get it that an appropriate size serviing of a piece of protein is the size of a deck of cards! No wonder Lane Bryant is every mail in America.

Posted by: Michelle at July 5, 2005 09:27 PM

I second the Cattle Prod idea. All in favor...?

Seriously, perhaps you need a medium/long break and/or a slight change in profession - to something where people might be more appreciative of your food.

Posted by: Jack at July 5, 2005 10:14 PM

The cattle prod seems appropriate for a bunch of pigs at a trough.

I once saw a man at a buffet load his plate with steamed, unpeeled shrimp and then smother them in cocktail sauce. I SO wanted to see where he sat and watch him go at it....

Posted by: Barb at July 6, 2005 02:19 AM

The shrimp always seem to get people. I once watched a man go back to the display 7 times. On his 8th attempt his wife grabbed his arm and told him to sit down.

Posted by: The Food Whore at July 6, 2005 01:54 PM

It was an experience like this that cut my nascent catering career short. I agreed to cater for a friend's art opening as a favor.

I got those teeny tiny plates, figuring you could fit maybe 3 hors d'oeuvres on each one. I look back and see a guy holding a plate in one hand stacked with a 6 inch pile of snacks, with his other hand on top compressing them into a huge hand-and-hors d'oeuvres sandwich.

Free food makes people insane.

Posted by: Suebob at July 7, 2005 05:12 AM

I witnessed a "PIG" at the shrimp bowl at my wedding reception --- he actually stood right at the bowl and ate and ate and ate until the caterer came over and asked him to leave some for someone else!

Posted by: Barb at July 7, 2005 11:59 AM

This is exactly why I try to avoid doing buffets at all costs. I talk them into seated dinners and try to educate a little in the process by telling tham that it will be more expensive since I have to prepare at least double of everything because people want it all (and then some).

The chicken breast man was actually at the last buffet event I did, except this time he was brandishing 3 Cornish hens.

Posted by: haddock at July 8, 2005 10:05 AM