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The key to beign a success in business is to have a good balance of personality traits: Arrogance and Fear.

Someone once said to me that that I was not arrogant, but that I was confident, instead. But I see the definition of arrogance as confidence coupled with insanity.

And everyone in the food industry - whether they care to admit it, or not - is completely out of their damn minds. You have to be to survive this business. Actually, you have to be totally and completely bonkaroni to even get into this business in the first place.

Or your a complete drug addict.

Or an alcoholic.

Or just stupid.

The fear part just keeps it all in balance. You constantly question food supplies and service times and everything else that could possibly go wrong. And you constantly are reminded that you're not the only fish in the sea, so if you want to stay competitve, you have to know what your competitor is doing.

Anyway.

So I was at a trick over the weekend. Yes, that's right, AT a trick. We atteneded a party given by The Husband's company. Normally I hate these things. It's a bunch of people who don't like each other on the job getting together and pretending they are best friends. I just don't play well like that. But it was a meet/greet kind of function in one of the partner's back yard so we had to go and I promised to be a grown-up about it.

And it was hotter than Hell. There were tents but honestly, when it's 95 degrees, no amount of shade brings comfort.

The thing that struck me on the way in to the party was that The Catering Van was parked right in the owner's driveway. The doors were flung open and inside the van was the biggest mess I had ever seen. Cartons were tipped over, linens were strung across the front seats, buckets of whatever kind of food were teetering on the bumper. I couldn't read the name on the van because of the doors being open so (much to The Husband's chagrin) I snuck over and got a closer look - and oh my Gosh - it was The Famous Caterers.

The Famous Caterers have been in the business for a really long time and have this reputation that's hard to figure out. They are in demand and yet everyone seems to agree that their food sucks, they are assholes to deal with, and they leave a mess wherever they go. And yet they spend what seems to be thousands of dollars a month on advertising and they underwrite so many of the functions around town that you would think they really are the best of the best. So often I have thought that perhaps people were just telling me they sucked to give me a boost of confidence. So I was excited, finally, to get a taste of it all for myself.

The Husband's co-workers know I have "something to do with food" but I try to keep my Whoredom on the down-low as not to have people watch every move I make when I am in someone else's buffet line. I also don't drop business cards unless asked, nor do I offer up my profession in casual conversation. If I am asked, I share. If I am not asked, no one is the wiser. I just don't ever want it to be said that I am out pushing myself on people.

I do that enough to my friends. I don't need to bring all those innocent strangers to the mix.

Anyway so we got into the back yard and I began my re-con mission of finding out what was on the menu, how it was going to be served, how it was to be displayed and if I was really crafty I could find out how much they charged. I was ready to take mental notes of this company who's reputation preceeded them.

And boy was I in for a treat.

My first realization was that the night was going to be served in a "casual self-serve picnic - buffet style", which is perfect. The kicker her is, however, the buffet was not under a tent of any kind. I don't know if this was a mistake on the caterer's part or the client's part but the food deserved it's own tent. It's bad enough we were in a back yard prone to mosquitos, but remember it's 95 degrees. It's just not optimal to put any kind of food in that direct sun.

But The Famous Caterers did - and oh my God. The first thing that caught my eye was the large bowl of potato salad and nary an ice bath in sight. We weren't even due for the main course for another hour, but they were setting all the food out in preparation. So out comes the potato salad. And then out comes some deviled eggs. Then there were beans - no chafing dish. I guess they figured the hot sun would keep them warm? The thing about beans is - they can be more dangerous than a bubbling bowl of potato salad. Keep those bad boys piping hot - or chill them down. Luke warm isn't going to cut it. Unless, of course, your goal for the night is to have your guests fighting over your toilet.

(And before you people send me any hate mail (you know who you are) no, I am NOT the Health Department Nark. We've all fudged a time or two in the name of food service. Just try to remember my goal on this night was to pick things apart - not make excuses.)

It was after those items were put out that they decided to go ahead and put a bouquet of flowers in the middle of it all but decided to stack it up high on boxes covered in linens. Which - that's all good. I've used many a linen-hidden box in my day. But I must stress that I've used small and sturdy boxes. These boxes were worse for wear and there was no way that big flower vase was going to be safe sitting up there. Which - they did have the wits to figure out after the middle box collapsed before they took their hands off the vase.

All of this was happening, mind you, while the guests were milling about. Which - may not mean anything to the average Joe. But in my world - it's just so damned unprofessional.

And so completely fun for me to watch.

There was a large BBQ going with burgers and brats and then out came a large picnic ham for the carving board at the end of the table. And then out came Mr. Carver with an apron so stained he looked like Mel from Mel's Diner. All we needed were Vera and Flo to holler in an order of eggs with a little pork belly on the side.

And the sweat - oh man the sweat rolling off his head as he stood there pre-carving a few pieces. Which, I had empathy for. It was hot. And standing in that sun over that hot ham and in front of all those people is a job that truly sucks. But for the love of God, man, get a bar towel to wipe the Sweat Sprinkler.

All though, I gotta be honest - I don't know who/what was sweating more, Mr. Carver or that potato salad.

The Husband made his way over to me so he could introduce me to Mr. Big, his boss. I shook his hand, pleasantries were exchanged and Mr. Big asked me, "Is it just me or is that potato salad going to be a problem before the night is over?" The Husband shot me a look that screamed, "Please - PLEASE - be nice."

"Well", I said. "It's not ideal for it not to be on ice in this heat. Shade wouldn't be a bad thing, either." I could see The Husband relax. As I was getting ready to share another piece of wisdom Mr. Big's wife came over and said, "Honey - I'm thinking they put the food out way too soon. We've got plenty of appetizers and I was really clear about when dinner would be. That potato salad is going to be a problem and what's with the stained apron? I thought these people were pros."

I chuckled. I couldn't help myself.

It was another hour before we ate dinner and by that time a layer of liquid had formed on top of the potato salad. And not one person took it, and only a few took the eggs. And Mr. Carver never did put on a clean apron - or get a bar towel.

The night was pleasant, enjoyable, even.

Ok, Hell. I had a blast and couldn't wait to get home and call The Partner.

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