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« Pig Parts | Main | Realistic Expectations » Mock In Self-Defense
August 18, 2005
Any time I spend a little too much time upon The High Horse I seem to get myself into a predicament (or four) that knocks me back down to the bowels that is my life.
It's been a day filled with appointments and obligations. I was dressed up in my new outfit, complete with a shoe I had no business being in. Whatever possesses me to think I can wear a heel shaped like a meat skewer is beyond me. I need to get real with the fact that unless I can Cater in it -it's just not going to work for me. If you look under the words, "Wobbly Falling Down Dumbshit" in the dictionary, you will see the words "www.foodwhore.com" as the description.
I am rushing to get to my second meeting when the pangs of hunger became so loud it was like I had an alien life form living in my belly just waiting to force it's way out and grab the nearest sandwich. So I pulled into my nearest Starbucks for an iced coffee and a bagel sandwich, light on the mayo schmeer, please. I ran - OK, wobbled - like a newborn pony back to my car, and was on the road. The first and most curse-word producing incident was when the lid to my ice coffee popped lose, mid sip - one hand on the steering wheel, the other hand trying desperately to catch the cup before it careened to the floor. I managed to get enough control of the mess to put it back in my cup holder and slam the lid back on. But it wasn't enough control to stop the trickle of cream-laden coffee from splashing down the front of my shirt. I cursed the name of the barista who made my coffee and chastised the cup manufacturer from not making a more efficient system to contain a travelling beverage. (Really, no one is safe when I am on a ridiculous tirade over a spill.) The thing is, I wasn't smart enough to just avoid the Eating in Transit game because I went ahead - against my own better judgement - and decided to eat as much as the bagel sandwich as I could to stop the grumbling that now sounded like a 747 coming in for a landing. And you all know what it's like to bite into a bagel. It's that tough/chewy outer shell that compresses instead of tears, and in the process of the compression shoots the contents of said bagel all over the lap of the person stupid enough to attempt a one-handed bagel meal. And the schmeer wasn't so much a schmeer as it was a huge dollop of mayo laden with shredded lettuce and sliced red onion. And let's not forget that slab of Black Forrest ham spiraling down after. By this time I am so defeated I threw the remaining bagel to the floor of my car and pulled into the parking lot of my next stop. I looked down to see the coffee stain - complete with mayo globs on the side - and figured the best way to deal with all of it was just to button my jacket and hold my head up high. Only I couldn't do that because the fear of thrusting one of the prongs that was my heel into a tiny divot on the pavement was so overwhelming that I kept my head down, praying for a safe stride into the door. So I had an epiphany about my attitude, today. It's not so much that I mock people for eating in their car because I think it's wrong. I mock because I just can't do it my damn self.
Posted by Foodwhore at August 18, 2005 02:33 PM 
At least once a week I get coffee on my shirt front trying to drink Starbucks in my car. And at least once a week I swear I'm never going to do it again. Did I mention I spend lots of time with Spray and Wash getting coffee off my clothes? Posted by: Dr Alice at August 18, 2005 08:00 PM Hilarious!!! I should stop reading your column, while being at work - my colleagues use to give me strange looks, because I can't stop to chuckle... ;) Posted by: Nicky at August 19, 2005 03:21 AM I am so happy to know there are other seemingly intelligent people on this earth who haven't quite mastered the art of drinking from the gosh damn lid of a freaking Starbuck's cup. I finally had to resign myself to asking for 'room' and tossing said lid into bin. BTW - you are hilarious and I am now addicted to your daily posts! Thanks! Posted by: Mel at August 19, 2005 07:03 AM Actually, I found your website by googling "Wobbly Falling Down Dumb$#!+" and www.foodwhore.com was at the top of the results list! Just kidding. Posted by: berecca at August 19, 2005 09:46 AM Isn't it funny how we coach our clients into letting us make teensy delicate little appetizers that can be eaten in one bite, so as to not to smear lipstick or dangle from fingers...but the physics of food escapes us when we're feeding ourselves? I eat in my car far more often than I care to admit... (I can't eat at the client's house, and there's rarely anything to eat at MY house, so clamshell-packages of salad obtained from drive throughs are de rigeur. Have you ever considered making yourself a makeshift "bib" out of a paper- or plastic bag? I keep a swiss army knife in the car, and use it to MacGuyver the bag enclosing my food into a long, flat strip, and tuck one end of the thing into my neck like the spaghetti-eating goombas of my nationality. I do, however, pull over to actually eat...because managing that clamshell, plastic fork, steering wheel and cellphone are too much for one girl to handle. Posted by: MisChef at August 19, 2005 10:45 AM I'll admit it. I eat in my car. Sometimes the most peaceful meal I can get is at 65 m.p.h. while I am dodging traffic and maneuvering tunnels and cliffs. It works for me. :) Posted by: Barb at August 20, 2005 02:50 AM I have yet to master the art of eating in the car without wearing half of it. When I have to eat in the car, I try to go for very dry items. If I can't, I layer napkin on my lap as if they were going out of style. Coffee... well, since that's pretty much my lifeblood, I try not to spill it at all! Posted by: Alida at August 20, 2005 08:37 AM Heck, I can eat fried chicken while driving. From the southernmost of the two Popeyes' on MLK, usually. And most of it doesn't even end up on the floor. Most of it. Pizza, I draw the line at. Not that I haven't tried. Posted by: Sigivald at August 23, 2005 02:29 PM  |