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Realistic Expectations
August 20, 2005

I am going to write a book.


And I am going to title it Realistic Expectations.


I have to do it to give Brides or anyone else seeking professional food service a realistic idea of what to expect when it comes to hiring people such as myself.


And I have to do it to give food prefessionals such as me an opportunity to stop popping Tums like they're candy.


We met with a Potential Client, an excited (and very young) Bride to Be (B2B). Said B2B came in with her pretty pink planner book and laid out all of her pictures of dresses and flowers and pretty buffets she's seen in different magazines.

"This is so exciting. Isn't this exciting??!!", she squealed.

I chuckled a bit. I do love the excitement for these girls. So many dream of their perfect wedding their entire lives. Yes it's only one day, but it should be a fabulous day for all concerned. And I am not so hard-nosed that I don't enjoy the excitement. I say go for it - live the dream.

However.


And this is where the Realistic Expectations come in - dreams aren't cheap. Fancy dresses and flowers and doves in cages aren't cheap. Moreover - food is not cheap.

Let me repeat - Food is not cheap.


So when B2B showed me her food pictures, and reminded me of a Trick we did about 6 months ago (that she had attended), she laid out her dream menu and then asked that oh-so-reality-slapping, "How Much?"

And we're talking chilled salmon, standing rib roast, salads, roasted vegies, assorted breads and cheeses, and a list of foods fit for a banquet at Henry VIII's house. She knew what she wanted and I was impressed.


So then I gave her a pretty rough guestimate.


And then her face fell.


And then tears started to form.


And then the bawling ensued.


"Are you serious? THAT much? Really? But I don't have that much in my budget! I wasn't planning to spend that much. This is my dream and I have got to have my dream!"


I took a deep breath and rubbed my temples in an effort to subdue my knee-jerk response of something hateful. I looked over at the partner, who by this time had her eyes closed and was shaking her head.

"What exactly did you have for a budget to fulfill this dream?", I asked.

"Well I was hoping for $12 per person."


The Partner looked at me and mouthed, "For the love of God", before looking back at the B2B and saying, "Sweetheart. I am sorry. But that's just not even realistic."


"But this is my dream. And I have a budget. And I... what am I going to do?"

"Well", the partner said, "You're going to have to rethink the dream and have some realistic expectations."

You could see the cloud of confusion and disbelief wash over B2B's face. It was almost like someone told her that Ken was a homosexual and that he and Barbie were never going be man and wive and live out their days in the fancy pink Barbie camper and swimming in the pretty pink Barbie pool.

"Well isn't there anything you can do? I mean, can't you make some consessions and rethink the price? Can't you make some exceptions here?"

"We can work with you but the reality is, you are going to have to rethink what it is you expect. What you want isn't doable for your budget. Not even in the ballpark. $12 for a food budget is, well, it's just..."

She gathered up her pictures and tucked them in the pink notebook. "Well I need some time. I mean. I can't believe that do this. I just never dreamed... well. Nevermind. I guess I will just have to try somewhere else. I have heard you guys are so fabulous to work with. I guess I am just shocked that this didn't go so well."

The Partner and I smiled.


"Well, we are sorry. We're not here to squash your dream. But what you're asking for is impossible. But good luck to you. We hope you find what you're looking for.", I said.


After she left, we sat silent for a minute. And then The Partner leaned over in a belly laugh fitting of a night at The Comedy Store. And she couldn't stop laughing. Which then made me giggle. And then we both laughed so hard we cried.


What are you gonna do? Some people are just dumb like that. But we're totally insane. So I guess that makes us all even.

Posted by Foodwhore at August 20, 2005 12:39 PM

Would $12 per person buy. . . anything?

Posted by: Annie at August 20, 2005 01:57 PM

You know, I hear McDonald's has these new Premium Chicken Sandwiches and my husband says their chicken salads are divine. I think if she went with the Apple Dippers instead of the fries she might save a few pennies, though I doubt Mickey D's is any more flexible than The Food Whore & Co.

You can't buy a $12 dinner at Olive Garden! What was she thinking?!

Posted by: Echo at August 20, 2005 03:08 PM

And how often have you had a client say, when you've quoted a price that you know to be right in line, "WHAT?!?!? Why I could do it myself for (name a number about 10% of the quote)!!!!"

And so, you say, well then, that's what I think you should do. And then they say "but I don't have time." Or "but I don't cook." Or "but it's for so many people." Or some other such thing.

And you sit there quietly (inwardly already giggling) until they realize what they've just said. And you know you've got 'em!

So could they even get cake and chanpagne punch, set up and served, for $12 per person?

Posted by: MemphisBelle at August 20, 2005 04:06 PM

Too damn funny!

I just organized a picnic and that was the budget--$12 per person. We got hummus, baba ganoush, pita sandwiches (felafel, gyros, chicken) stuffed grape leaves. This included soda and water and a bucket of ice. But that's what $12 a head will get you in San Francisco.

Posted by: Amy at August 20, 2005 06:08 PM

That's just what I was going to say, $12 is a very reasonable idea for lunch.

But not for prime rib, salmon, and the 20 other items. PLUS - I forgot to mention this - Liquor.

Posted by: The Food Whore at August 20, 2005 10:29 PM

Anyone who brings in pictures, or a 'stylebook', as the potential customer no doubt knew it as - and then talks $12 - and cries!!!! (what is THAT?) - deserves to be kicked out on their ass. Or 'arse' as we say down here. It's the same thing.

Posted by: kitchen hand at August 21, 2005 04:00 AM

She really didn't think she would get that type of fod for that price did she?

Posted by: emily at August 21, 2005 09:35 AM

I am waiting for the call back. Promise you won't leave anything out.

Posted by: Gail at August 21, 2005 09:59 AM

God, your posts make me laugh so much ... as a mostly-lurker, thanks for writing - these stories make my day!

Posted by: Katy at August 21, 2005 06:22 PM

Canapés maybe? 4 per person? With water only?Jeez. I don't know how you restrained yourselves - good work.

Posted by: Genny at August 22, 2005 08:08 AM

Geez, the wife and I were happy when we were able to do our reception for $54 per person without tax or service (that did include liquor). And we didn't have standing rib roasts...

Posted by: Sabrina at August 22, 2005 09:20 AM

I LOVE that $12 per head included liquor. And know the face of which you speak. I have seen that face up close. The what-do-you-mean-I-can't-have-the-world-for-$7.49-per-person face. Sometimes all you can do is sigh and then roll around on the floor laughing after they lease.

Posted by: Emilie at August 22, 2005 10:51 AM

Heh heh... first time stumbling in through here. Maybe you could make her fried Spam sandwiches and chitterlings for $12 a head... and tell her she can only afford boxed wine and malt liquor.

Posted by: Cootera at August 22, 2005 02:39 PM

People just don't know, at all. We have an idea as to what you'll get in a ballpark for 12 dollars a head, a beer and half a hot dog.
A roomate from many years ago was and is a wedding photographer, a good one too. I used to drink beers and listen in on his conversations with enganged couples. What they were looking for, what he could provide and for what price. That ain't cheap either sister. And why for the love of you know who would spend that kind of money for one day is beyond me. I'd rather pay off my mortgage and go do something else.
My wife and I were married in Las Vegas with a real Elvis attending. A 3 day extravaganza wedding for the total cost of 1500 dollars, including the rings. And that was 8 years ago, everything is okay, so far.
Hey, if they had those fancy cut-outs in the damned wedding mags, how come the damn mags didn't have some cost evaluations for planning the day?

Biggles

Posted by: Dr. Biggles at August 22, 2005 03:55 PM

$12 per person? I'd say champagne tastes on a beer budget, but I don't think that would even buy the beer!

(I've posted a link to your blog from my newly hatched site - I hope that is okay? If not, please let me know and I'll change it :))

Posted by: Alida at August 22, 2005 05:11 PM

OMG, that's hilarious. Roast Beast with all the trimmings, cake, and booze for $12 a head?

I have to wonder if little missy has had Mom-and-Dad or Boyfriend picking up the check for her all her life.

Posted by: Charlotte at August 22, 2005 09:04 PM

The world is full of stupid people.

Posted by: Valerie at August 23, 2005 09:23 AM

Wow.
See, now the funny thing to me is that I'm picturing The girl from Legally Blonde sitting across from you all decked out in pink with a pink planner and sparkly hair clips...getting her dream crushed. I agree that if they didn't do research before meeting with you, they kind of deserve the let down!

Posted by: mandy at August 23, 2005 03:19 PM

So, let me say that I am a B2B, but not a stupid, blond, or young one. I am looking for that type of spread, and I can't seem to find it for $100/person. Perhaps we all value our food a bit too much

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 24, 2005 03:21 PM

That's just what you want in a client - someone who cries when they don't get what they want. Not fun to work with at any price.

Posted by: paul at August 24, 2005 10:35 PM
 
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