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Too Much Information
August 25, 2005

So it's been a crazy week filled with lots of fodder for lots of stories - as is the case with my life.


The most prominent being, however, the case of the TMI Bride - TMI, of course, being Too Much Information.


This particular trick was one that really had been enjoyable from the beginning. The Bride was perfectly rational. The menu was completely fun and different. And the overall feeling of the night was one of relaxation and excitment.

That is, until, The Groom decided to have a beer.


It was decided early on that the only alcohol served at The Reception would be beer and wine. The Bride and Groom are on the young side and they both felt like if hard liquor were served, some of their friends would get out of hand. A decision we completely respected and understood.

And I will say, there were a few young men who get a bit on the loud and tipsy side, but there's always those few. It makes the night more interesting for all, really. They weren't obnoxious - just, silly.


But then The Silly Boys decided to do a toast to their friend The Groom and in doing so, The Groom had a glass of beer and some good chuckles. All perfectly normal, or so it seemed.


It was shortly after the toast that The Bride came slamming into the kitchen, with Her Mother on the chase.

"Cindy, you need to calm down. It's just one glass of beer."

"But mother - I do not want him doing anything to impare the night."

All of us in the kitchen tried to act like we didn't see or hear them. There's nothing more uncomfortable than being witness to someone's issues.

"Cindy. I get it. But you need to calm down. It's one glass of beer. He put it down and he's on to other things. This is your wedding night. It's time to straighten up and act like a grown woman."

"MOTHER! We are 22-year old virgins and I do not want anything causing him to be less than perfect on my special night!!!"


We all fell silent. I admit I was seconds away from letting out a loud guffaw but The Partner caught my eye and we kept one another's focus as not to create any more embarassment for the already red-faced Mother.

Everyone in the kitchen looked down or looked away and remained silent for what seemed like an eternity.

The Mother, completely exhasperated at this point, calmly grabbed her daughter's hand and said, "Cindy - honey. We've talked about this. And sweetie, I think it would do you some good to have a beer, yourself."

Posted by Foodwhore at August 25, 2005 10:31 AM

I'm dying here, because that brings to mind my doctor's advice for my wedding night (keep in mind I was just barely 20 when I married): "Get a little drunk."

And, well - I did ;) Shhhh

Posted by: Alida at August 25, 2005 11:29 AM

How did you not burst out laughing? Geez, apparently when that mom talked to her daughter, she didn't mention that her "special night" probably would be awkward, embarrassing, and mildly painful. Yep, she'll feel really special when her new husband is so nervous about performing that he'll either orgasm while taking his pants off, before he ever gets near her, or won't be able to do it at all out of sheer terror.

Posted by: Queenie at August 25, 2005 11:58 AM

That sort of scene is why I generally counsel -for- pre-marital sex.

Posted by: Barbara at August 25, 2005 12:26 PM

Don't worry, I let out the guffaw you held in while I was reading this. I let it loose into the world! Fly, well-deserved laugh, fly!!

Posted by: CAD Monkey at August 25, 2005 01:28 PM

Ok, that one really made me laugh out loud. I was not expecting that to be the reason! But if they're 22 and one or two beers is cause for concern, I would say they should get it while they can, 'cause in a few years, the decline is going to be steep...and swift.

Posted by: David at August 25, 2005 01:28 PM

That is too funny. I love it!

Posted by: Wanda at August 25, 2005 01:30 PM

Hilarious! Thank you! That's the funniest thing I've heard all week.

Posted by: Elise at August 25, 2005 01:37 PM

Wow is Cindy in for a big let-down later. Let's hope she was lying to momma. As for the groom, he's gonna need more than one beer to live up to that kind of pressure. poor kid.

Posted by: gaile at August 25, 2005 03:29 PM

Great story! Maybe you should have offered her a Lemon Drop. Probably should have saved one for Mom, too.

Posted by: Nic at August 25, 2005 04:39 PM

OMG...that one was too funny! That's one of those stories that I may think of in the shower or driving down the road with my kids and just totally NOT being able to share! Thanks for the much needed laugh after 15 years of marriage. ;)

Posted by: Mel at August 25, 2005 04:39 PM

I am amazed that you didn't run in to the bathroom immediately and let out a guffaw that would echo across the stalls! Love the mother's response, too!

Posted by: Peggy at August 25, 2005 04:53 PM

22 year old virgins...female *and* male...well, that's, errrrr...different! (at least where I come from).

Posted by: Tiberia at August 25, 2005 05:54 PM

Jeez, let the poor bastard have a beer! Sounds like he'll need it with this one.

Posted by: Kim at August 25, 2005 07:09 PM

You could have used the same title as on your previous post... Realistic Expectations.. LOL!

Posted by: wilsonian at August 25, 2005 07:59 PM

That is one conversation I am glad my mother and I never had.

She's going to be one fun wife.

Posted by: veg4me at August 26, 2005 08:38 AM

Oy.

Posted by: Janis at August 26, 2005 09:07 AM

Um, yeah, because the first time out of the gate is always just a spectacular, magical experience. To quote Wayne and Garth-“Shyeah, right!” Sex is definitely something that gets better with practice, and if one of my more experienced friends hadn’t told me that before my first time, I’m sure I might be celibate for life. Girl’s been reading too many romance novels.

Posted by: Kate at August 26, 2005 09:47 AM

Don't worry...I laughed enough for both of us.lol

Posted by: emily at August 26, 2005 09:52 AM

You should warn us when you're gonna do that! I was drinking a soft drink and spewed it out all over myself laughing when I got to the end!

And I would like to give you the poker-face-of-the-year award for not losing it yourself!

Posted by: Alyce at August 26, 2005 01:42 PM

I LOVE IT! Go mom!

Posted by: annex at August 27, 2005 09:46 AM

*chuckles* that's so funny...

Posted by: Lil at August 31, 2005 06:23 AM
 
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