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« Finger Dippin' Good | Main | Warning Signs » Help Wanted
September 18, 2005
Help Wanted for Position of Kitchen Door Guards. Physical Requirements
1. Snotty Scotty and his cousin Farting Freddi who insist upon slamming through the swinging doors and racing around the kitchen island. Not only must you be able to stop these kids, you also need to locate their parents and hang them on the coat rack in the entry way. 2. Bitchy Betty Bridesmaid who's angry that she's a size 18 and who insisted she could wear the size 12 dress, which ripped when she sat down in her chair. No matter how much she pisses and moans, we don't want her in the kitchen pissing and moaning. Slap some duct tape on the tear and twirl her sorry ass right back out on the floor. 3. Drunk Uncle Eddie. He keeps eyeing one of our servers, and he's put his sloppy ass arm around her twice. If you don't get him, we will. And we don't want to go to jail. 4. That bitch sitting at table 10. She will fake dehydration and plead for water, but all she wants to know is what we are going to do with the leftovers and if she can "Take a doggy bag home for her family". She will try to tell you she's "very best friends" with the mother of the bride. Don't buy it. She's actually the Mother of The Bride's cousin and she's hated by pretty much everyone in the family. If she uses the words, "Doggy Bag" more than once in your presence - give her a Milk Bone, slap her on the ass and send her packing. 5. Crazy Aunt Betty. Now, this ones crafty, so you really have to be on your toes. She will swear she's coming in for her purse that she tucked away in the kitchen cupboard for safety reasons. Don't be fooled by her rosy cheeks and soft skin. Her purse is really under her table, what she really wants to do is grab a handful of shrimp behind our backs. We pay a base salary, and commission based on how many successful deflections you have during the night. Plus all the food you can eat. Performance bonuses are given based on the number of potential offenders we see flying through the air. We like that. It makes us laugh. For more information call 1-800-food-whore Posted by Foodwhore at September 18, 2005 12:38 AM 
I honestly don't know how you do it. Posted by: Barb at September 18, 2005 03:19 AM I'm always amazed at what people put you through. Maybe you should pass out small doggy bags of milkbones. If nothing else it would be humorous to you, and me when you tell us about it. Posted by: Tracy at September 18, 2005 09:12 PM Ah..reading this reminded me why I quit being a professional chef and caterer to stay home with my kids...:) Posted by: Jan at September 19, 2005 06:38 AM God, I hate people. The fact that you are even able to deal with this shows your infinite patience. I couldn't do it. Posted by: Joy at September 19, 2005 07:09 AM A job I am too small and thin to perform... that's a novelty. :) Posted by: sarah at September 19, 2005 10:45 AM Have you considered posting this job at KitchenMonsters.com? :©) Posted by: the pragmatic chef™ at September 19, 2005 01:43 PM My mom used to cater weddings and my sister and I would help out in the kitchen. I feel like I know all of these people you just described. And WHY do guests feel the need to ALWAYS hang out in the kitchen?! Love your blog, by the way. Posted by: Dawn at September 19, 2005 07:14 PM Pay me double commission and I'll stop them getting into the function in the first place. You can usually recognise each of those types before they even sit down. Posted by: kitchen hand at September 20, 2005 01:53 AM I could do that job, even though I don't meet the height & weight requirement. I'm very good at being intimidating. LOL!! Posted by: Valerie at September 21, 2005 06:18 AM Okay, I am smaller and lighter than the requirements, but I can do some martial arts and am good with a sword. A sword does wonders for making up for lacks in height and weight. And I have a scary voice. Would you hire me? ;-) Posted by: Barbara at September 21, 2005 08:37 AM They also need to block the Bad Mommy - the one who comes in as you are prepping and demands you make a meal for her toddler, the one she couldn't be bothered to pick up some Lunchables for. Posted by: Suebob at September 22, 2005 10:22 PM  |