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It's Open Season on The Crazies
September 22, 2005

Today is the first official day of Autumn.


Next to the first official day of Summer, this is a very exciting day for me.


It's the day that rings in a season of only slightly warm days, and cool nights. The season in which leaves fall about my feet in a blanket of vibrant colors, and the smell of pumpkin waifs through the air.


It's the season that The Husband starts complaining that I insist on leaving the bedroom window open, and it's the season I start rationailizing buying yet another pair of boots.


And in my world, it's Open Season on The Crazies.


I am 3 for 3 in the last few weddings I have tricked.


I've had one drugged MOB, one hysterical Bride, and now I am experiencing the Nosy Guests.


I was in The Grocery Store last night, and I purposefully went late as to avoid long lines, scerfuffles at the meat counter, and seeing anyone I knew. And it worked pretty good. That is, until I was looking over the baked goods.


"Excuse me... Excuse me?"

"Yes?

"Aren't you the person catering Melissa's Wedding next week?"

"Melissa Smith?"

"Yes!"

"Yes, I am"

"Oh, this is so great I ran into you."

"Well how can I help you?"

"Well, can you tell me what they are having to eat?"

"You want to know what they are having to eat?"

"Yes."

"Well, I will be honest. I am not in the habit of giving that information out."

"Why? What's the big deal?"

"Well, when I work for someone, the things that I do for them never get discussed outside my office. (Well, except for on my blog) If the Client wants to share that information, that is their prerogative."

"Oh, come on. What's the big deal?"

"Why do you want to know? Do you have special dietary needs?"

"Well because we went to a dinner last week and we had chicken and beef."

"Was it a dinner I catered?"

"No. It was out of town."

"Was something wrong with the food?"

"No. The food was fine. But my husband and I were hoping that Melissa was going to have salmon. We're both craving salmon. We won't be able to make the wedding, because we will be coming home from out of town that day. So we were going to just go straight to the reception. And if she doesn't have salmon then we are going to eat dinner on our way, and then not eat when we get there."


It was when she said those words that I recognized her. She's done this to me before. About a year ago, I think. I remember thinking she was one of the rudest people I had met. And if I wasn't agitated before, I was, now.


I looked both ways and kind of motioned for her to come closer. "Ok", I said. "But you can't tell anyone I told you this." She leaned in excitedly and I said, "I can't give specifics, but I can tell you that you should eat a big dinner before the wedding. And I mean big. From what I understand the reception is going to be very lengthy, and I would hate for you to get hungry and not have anything there you want to eat." And then I winked and gave her a little head nod.

She patted my arm and said thank you. And then brought her finger to her lips in a quiet "shhshing" motion and walked away.


There's totally going to be salmon at that reception.


Lots and lots of salmon.

Posted by Foodwhore at September 22, 2005 07:05 PM

I used to be a printer. My best pal worked with me. At Farmer's Market a customer came up. "Oh Hellllooooo...hey my son is having a bar mitzvah and I was wondering if I could get a quote."

"Sure, come in the shop on Monday and we'll take care of it."

"Can't you give me something now?"

Tomatoes in hand, we looked at each other and then gazed wonderingly at her. "Now? I don't think so."

"Oh come onnnn it doesn't have to be exact, just a ballpark."

You know as well as I do that if we had given her any kind of ballpark, we would have been held to that figure forever, no matter what kind of expensive add-ons she wanted...

She told the boss we were rude to her.

Posted by: Suebob at September 22, 2005 10:20 PM

If she had any brains, which of course she doesn't, she would have realized you were pulling her chain.

Posted by: Traci at September 23, 2005 04:41 AM

You. Are. So. Bad.

Love it!

Posted by: Wryly at September 23, 2005 09:05 AM

*grin* I totally can't wait to read about their reaction to the reception dinner. *rubs hands together* It'll be lovely.

Posted by: Melissa at September 23, 2005 10:11 AM

oh that is so brilliant! why don't people like that just go to a freakin' restaurant if they are 'craving' salmon. She's not craving salmon - she's craving *free* salmon. it's not like there's any shortage of the stuff, after all. I would so love to see her face when she walks into that reception...

Posted by: gaile at September 23, 2005 10:15 AM

So, they're missing the wedding but showing up for the party, and they don't like what's being served at the party so they're getting their own food? You just know she's going to show up with a doggy bag and eat out of it at the reception. What a freak.

Posted by: Queenie at September 23, 2005 11:58 AM

You're going to fill us in on her reaction, right? Because you know that every one of us totally wishes we could be there to see the expression on her (bloated) face as she beholds the massive amounts of salmon!
Evil woman! You are my hero!

Posted by: mandy at September 23, 2005 01:56 PM

All I can say is-hehehe! Brilliant!

Posted by: Karla at September 23, 2005 04:27 PM

oh, this is what i call justice! teehehehe...

Posted by: Lil at September 24, 2005 04:09 AM

was LoL when read that...loved ur 'move' ;)

Posted by: Lav at September 25, 2005 04:23 AM

Hehehehe. Fuckers.

Posted by: Damomma at September 25, 2005 09:53 AM

That is so perverse, and so good. Serves her right.

I eagerly await the followup...

Posted by: oscar at September 25, 2005 07:59 PM

I'm a longtime lurker but I have to say you are my kind of evil. I just butchered 50 pounds of salmon, wish I was close enough to show up with an extra side. ;-)

Posted by: kitchenmage at September 27, 2005 07:46 PM

You are my god...dess. Post the follow-up, or I shall go mad.

Posted by: kitchenwitch at September 27, 2005 08:44 PM
 
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