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Sorry About The Tire Mark On Your Leg
September 25, 2005

I have a secret stash of chicken flavored Top Ramen in the back of my pantry. Top Ramen is cheap, it's totally crammed with sodium and fake chicken flavor, and it's the perfect nightcap. But don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to protect.

I break it out for special occasions, only. Like yesterday's Trick when my day started at 6:00 a.m., and I finally drug my sorry as home at midnight.

I don't eat when I trick, so by the time I get home from a long day - I am craving something hot, something quick, something cheap and something slurpy - and I totally mean food. (Insert coy wink here)


So last night while slurping oodles of noodles, I took mental notes of the entire day. I ran a list in my mind of how things went, what could have been improved upon, what didn't work, and what I loved the most about the night.


And it's really hard to say what I loved the most about the night.

I loved how the food service went. People ate like pigs, but in a good way. They loved the food, asked for more, and had plenty of raves to go around.

That was nice.

My staff outdid themselves. They didn't miss a beat.

They will all get an extra bonus in their checks.


My sweet and spicy glazed shrimp were good, but not as good as I wanted them to be. I needed more seasoning. But it was a personal failure, because people didn't complain. They ate them like candy.

I will work on that.


The Master of Ceremonies was hilarious. He did an excellent job and got everyone involved. People had a blast.

I got his business card.

The weather could not have been more beautiful. People were able to sit outside and blankets were provided for those who were a little on the chili side.

That was a nice touch.

The Mother of The Groom decided to surprise the bride with a chocolate fountain. *sigh* And she failed to inform The Caterers. So when The Fountain People showed up, it caught us off guard and we had to create a place for them so set up. Which would have been fine had it not been 15 minutes before the guests arrived. Fortunately The Chocolate Fountain People had everything they needed and we didn't have to do any work. People were thrilled. And that's what matters.

But I hope this fountain thing is a fad that passes soon.


The Mother of The Bride got so drunk she failed to notice the broken strap on her dress, and there was a serious probability of having a Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction. She also had the hic-ups. She came in the kitchen at one point, put her arm around me and in her overly-wined breath said, "I just love you. Have I told you how much I love you? *hic*"

Now that's one classy broad.


The Maid of honor - a bitch who ordered my staff around all night - got so drunk that she puked down the front of her dress. Had she been a nice person we all would have felt sorry for her. But she wasn't. So we all laughed until we cried.

Good Times.


The Groomsman, who was such a self-proclaimed Lothario that I am pretty sure would have put the moves on a chicken had it held still long enough, got so drunk that he ended up lying outside to 'regain his bearings'. And the reason I knew that was because when we were loaded and ready to go, I was driving the van down the access alley and nearly ran him over. All of a sudden there he was like a deer in the headlights. It's a good thing we found him, or he likely would have mated with the garbage can.

What a stud.


Money, as is proved over and over again, can't buy you class.


But it can buy me lots and lots of Top Ramen.

Posted by Foodwhore at September 25, 2005 10:44 AM

you are hillarious! I'm so glad I was referred to this site.

Posted by: Rene at September 25, 2005 12:59 PM

I heart you, lots and lots.

Posted by: Fatemeh at September 25, 2005 03:05 PM

Personally, I prefer the pork flavored Top Ramen for comfort food ;)

Posted by: Alida at September 25, 2005 03:31 PM

Hey!
What about the hoser that wanted salmon but you told her to make sure to eat well before the event?
Signed:
Comrade in arms, food trenches

Posted by: Jen in Door County at September 25, 2005 10:12 PM

Yes! What happened to that woman? Did she have the cojones to come up to you during the event?

Posted by: Jen at September 25, 2005 11:19 PM

if you like something hot and spicy, shin ramen from korea is great!

Posted by: Lil at September 26, 2005 12:38 AM

Mmmmmmm chicken ramen. Excellent cuisine.

Posted by: Dj at September 26, 2005 05:25 AM

I love reading your posts. They always brighten my day. For another ramen recommendation, my personal favorite is the "Mama" brand. So spicy you gotta eat it with a box of tissues next to you for the inevitable tears. But so good.

Posted by: Cath at September 26, 2005 05:32 AM

Salmon is this week.

I will keep you posted. :-)

Posted by: the Food Whore at September 26, 2005 02:25 PM

OMG!!! You are a hoot!

I have a secret, love-hate relationship with Ramen noodles, Roast Beef is my fave. Believe or not, I had a package before crashing last night.

Thank you for this post. I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one who, despite her love for delicious food, finds herself occasionally going for the noodles. I'm thinking there are others out there who take the occasional noodle plunge, but who are just ashamed to admit it.

I am opening my own food blog (mixedmasala.com) soon (as soon as the domain transfer to my web host is completed). I will definitely be adding you to my list of excellent food blogs.

Thanks, again, for the post. It made my day.

Posted by: Mixed Masala at September 26, 2005 05:11 PM

Mmmmmmmmm....Ramen.

I craved the stuff when I was pregnant. My kids eat it plain, uncooked for a snack - not sure if I would go that far, but WTH it's cheap!!

Posted by: Barb at September 27, 2005 03:28 AM

I can't believe how bombed people get at weddings... spend so much money and you puke/ can't remember/ lie in roads/act like a jackass? Not for me


PS.. love you, in a platonic way of course - waiting eagerly for Salmon update

Posted by: carly at September 27, 2005 08:09 AM

You need to write a book, you really do...

Posted by: Tiberia at September 27, 2005 09:12 AM

Ok, I've given up on the banana bread recipe.
Now, I'm gonna have to ask for the shrimp recipe!

Please?

Posted by: rhonda at September 27, 2005 04:38 PM

omg, ho! You make me laugh soo much!

I love Top Ramen (Sapporo Ichiban!) also, but have developed a really serious crush on Instant Lunch. First, I love that name. Instant Lunch. Really. Really???

And being in a related customer service business (government), I can just sooo relate to your stories. Only, most of the time, I have to bite my lip and bear it. You can at least say, hey: I don't think that date is free, dude.

luvya, FoodHO!
k

Posted by: k at September 27, 2005 05:43 PM
 
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