Diary of The Food Whore: Bridezilla 1

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Bridezilla 1

December 14, 2005

Really? Does Bridezilla even begin to say it all?

What about Bride of Chucky?

Bride of the Cript Keeper?

Bride of The Dark Lord of The Underbelly?

Bride of Satan's Evil Younger Brother?

Bride Of The Spawn of Hell?

It's the day before.

Food is delivered.

It is being prepped.

Errands have been run.

Staging has been planned.

Venue has been toured with items put in place.

And BridemMtherFuckingZilla (Sorry, mom. And, you know, others offeded with the cursing) calls in hysterics to add another 50 guests to the list.

We're at 450, now.

In three days we've added 100 guests.

And while you may say, "Come on, Foodwhore? What's the big deal? It's only 100 people? Mellow Out...."
If you could see this menu...
Added to the list of other issues, this is the trick that could ultimately lead to the complete unravelling of the tiny shard of tangible sanity I have left.
If I can make it through this night without shoving her face first into the 27 tiers of triple chocolate decadence cake, it will be the miracle to which all other miracles are compared to.

"Yes, finding $500,000 in your attic is a huge miracle. But it's still not as miraculous as the December of 2005 when The Food Whore kept her fingernail biten hands from wrapping themselves around BrideMotherFuckingZilla's neck. Now THAT's a miracle."

Posted by Foodwhore at December 14, 2005 10:30 PM

and that is exactly why I refuse to do weddings.

I will do showers...
I will do bachelor parties...
I will do the Mothers' Brunch...
I will do the rehearsal dinner...

but SO MUCH EMPHASIS is put on that one meal, and that one cake, I flatly refuse to do weddings anymore.

I'm not sure how to put an image in a comment, but this is for you:

http://ChefJoAnna.com/blogimg/bridezilla.jpg

Posted by: JoAnna at December 14, 2005 11:03 PM

Your job is way to intense for me.... but when we get the "fucking" job from hell we have to put up with the constant stream of shit full blast for 10days (on adverage)... And boy do I get a potty mouth... Much sympathy from New Zealand. R

Posted by: Rebecca at December 15, 2005 12:56 AM

Your lucky she even TOLD you 50 more guests were arriving.....

The last Bridezilla I had....didn't bother.....

Nothing like wheeling tables into the room to accomodate 32 extra guests.....during the cocktail hour.

Posted by: Chris at December 15, 2005 06:40 AM

Since I'm not in your type of business, I have what may be a stupid question: what would happen if you just said, "I'm sorry, but I can't feed an extra 50 people" or "At the last minute, the price for each of these items is going to go up because I can't buy them wholesale, so it's going to be an extra {insert ridiculously high amount of money here}"?

Posted by: Jamilyn at December 15, 2005 06:58 AM

Geesh! Let's hope that all the guests actually attend. I'd be super pissed if after all this, there were 100 no-shows.

Posted by: sie at December 15, 2005 07:39 AM

I hope you've doubled your bill.

Posted by: speckledpup at December 15, 2005 08:04 AM

2 words: lemon drops.

Posted by: tonja at December 15, 2005 08:52 AM

I can't wait to read the post-mortem on this thing. This is the same chick that is rude to her mom, right? She also thinks that EVERYONE is going to attend the wedding. FoodWhore, when you're done sleeping this one off, write us a juicy report. If you need bail money, have the next of kin email me!

Posted by: Shrinking Violet at December 15, 2005 08:52 AM

I hear the 'take and bake' pizzas from Costco are pretty good. Maybe you could just toss those on the table. She seems oblivious enough not to notice.

The lemon drops are on me if we get together!

- hfs

Posted by: HomefrontSix at December 15, 2005 10:38 AM

Ten bucks says she invited more people after the mom told her not everyone would show up.

I'm with Jamilyn - it seems to me that in the initial contract increases in guest numbers within 15 days of the event should come with an extra fee - Karma kickback, frustration fee, last minute loot, calamity cash, whatever you want to call it. I mean hell, she's been planning the thing for a year, probably, and she can't be more organized than that? I wouldn't bat an eyelash if a caterer told me added guests at the last minute would cost extra.

Posted by: Shera at December 15, 2005 11:52 AM

What you go through allows me to put some perspective to my adventures and they absolutely PALE in comparison to yours!

The closest I came was arranging two work-related lunch meetings and that was enough for me!

Please DO share the post-mortem!

Posted by: Mary at December 15, 2005 01:28 PM

How's your keyboard going? Looks like it had a real good workout. Nothing busted, I hope.

Cheers.

Posted by: tankeduptaco at December 15, 2005 03:31 PM

Our favorite term of endearment, for my husband's X, is "Satan's Lap Dog." Feel free to adopt it for your own lexicon.

: D

Posted by: Tana at December 16, 2005 11:41 AM

After the DELUGE, could you be so kind to post us the (highlits of the) menu? I'm more or less in the same ( though small) business, and I'm just curious. Don't worry, I'm too far away to be competition.
Good luck, and you probably knowthat you ALWAYS prepare more food than needed, so don't worry ( and try to be HAppy!(
simona

Posted by: simona at December 16, 2005 01:31 PM

One word: Beelzebride.

Posted by: Execratus at December 18, 2005 04:29 AM

Update! Update! I'm dying for an update over here!

Posted by: 00goddess at December 19, 2005 10:01 PM

You know there are only going to be 300 guests, and Bridezilla (or Satan's Lap Dog - I like that!!) will refuse to pay for the no-shows.

Posted by: Barb at December 20, 2005 01:48 AM

ROFLMAO - This is why I quit catering ten years ago! Actually something like this anyway.

My partner (the Chef) and I had a huge catered dinner for a doctor's association. We were expecting around 600 people for a served dinner with which included appetizers, their choice of prime rib or red snapper as an entree, braised asparagus, roasted new potatoes, and creme brulee for dessert. Three days before the event they announce that they'd like to up it to 800 people. Three days before. An additional 200 people. Flabbergasted at the add-on I ask when they realized they had 200 more guests, and the answer - the last two weeks! They didn't bother to tell us because there was some question of getting the adjoining reception hall booked for the overflow, but weren't we lucky that its all sorted out now, and that way there's no last minute panic. No. Last. Minute. Panic. The Bitch.

So I talked it over with the chef - which in reality consisted of me dodging things while he threw them at me - and then I have to called my suppliers to get enough extra prime rib and red snapper for an additional 200 people, I called in additional staff, and called my significant other to tell her that she won't be seeing me for the next three days unless it's to sign commitment papers.

The big day comes and it's a miracle - everything goes off without a hitch. Ok, so one of the servers knocked over a mixing bowl with 6 dozen eggs in it, but that happened early on and we recovered like troopers. The guests arrive, they mingle, the get seated...and since there's a bit of inclement weather, sleet and freezing rain as I recall, we're about 200 short. They didn't drive here because of the bad road conditions, can't blame them, but now I'm stuck with all the extra food I ordered and I end up sending everyone on staff home with enough prime rib and creme brulee to feed their families for a week. But that's not important, because the guests seem happy, the customer seems happy, everyone seems happy - so I declare victory and have a very large scotch.

Two weeks later I get a call. It's the client. They've got the bill. They are not happy.

"Why should we be expected to pay for 200 guests who couldn't attend due to the weather?"
"You asked us to add 200 guests to the list. We cooked 200 additional meals in anticipation of their arrival. We billed for the numbers you gave us."
"But people stayed home because of the weather. We shouldn't be expected to have to pay for them, it's outrageous!"
"Did you have to pay for the additional dining hall you reserved?"
"Yes, but that's different."
"Really, how so?"
"Well, he had to do that at the last minute - we were putting him out. No one told you to cook all that food for just 600 people. Once it became clear they weren't showing up you should have just put it all back in the fridge."
"..."
"Hello?"
"Pay.The.Bill." and I hung up on her.

I don't miss the fun and excitement of catering. Thanks for writing you're blog - I've got to send my buddy the Chef over here to read this too, he'll get a chuckle.

Posted by: Robert Modean at December 20, 2005 10:11 AM

Wow. Your blog makes teaching seventh grade seem really, well, calming.

And I love Satan's Lapdog. I have parents like that.

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