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The Bat Cave
March 08, 2006

The thing about the big caterings is that you have little contact with the guests.


Well, until they come trapsing through the kitchen, that is.


It's rare that I get on the floor to collect china or mingle. A lot of it depends on my mood, or how dirty I've gotten in the kitchen.

But when you do intimate affairs inside a person's home, you are right in the middle of it all. And sometimes that's a nice interaction.


And sometimes it's just not.

The kitchen was gorgeous, very open, very plain but very funtional and very well planned. The island was a working island with a sink and a stove, and also the place they wanted appetizers served from. They wanted the night to be casual, and to give the guests the ability to see their food prepared.


Which is fine. We've done this game before and usually have a very good time. A glass of wine each was poured for The Partner and I as we set about sauteeing, plating and putting on our little show.


In the middle of it all my nose began to itch, and glove or no glove, no one wants to see their food being prepared by a nose itching (or any other itching, for that matter) fool. So I removed my gloves and excused myself from the room. It's allergy season and the itching, while annoying, was a welcome reprive from the inscessant sneezing.


So I came back and set it with the shrimp when a man came up to the counter to make small talk. And in the middle of our conversation he began to pick his nose. And it wasn't a mistaken "Seinfeld" type pick, it was a full-on 'digging for gold get a little brain matter' type of pick.


I stood mortified. What the Hell was I supposed to do? You can't just shout, "Hey, Pal. Let's search the Bat Cave in private, shall we?", but oh my gosh did I want to. Here I was worried about an innocent itch and this man was in grave danger of dropping little green men on my marinated olives. And it's not like you can just shoo him away like a hungry pigeon, you have to engage in a way that shows total oblivion to what he's doing.


The Partner was stepping on my right foot so hard I was torn between yelping and busting out with a guffaw.


I tried bland conversation hoping my engaging him would make him realize the error of his ways. But my voice only seemed to intensify his need to dig a little deeper in the well. I realized at that point the only choice I had was total body interference - I came around the bar and made an excuse about having to adjust a platter, thereby putting my body between his vagrant finger and my food.


Just then his wife came over and in a low grumbly voice through clenched teeth said, "Howard, get your damn finger out of your damn nose right damn now."


I pretended to hear nothing as I adjusted the olives. I looked up to catch The Partner's eye across the island and we both immediately had to drop our heads before busting a gut in a fit of laughter.


As I came back around the island Howard was headed down the hall to the bathroom. His wife came over next to me, "I am so sorry. That damn man... it's like he thinks no one will notice his finger shoved so far up his sinus you only see a knuckle."


The Partner and I laughed and assured her that his picking was not the worse we have ever experienced in our days.

"My God. You must have seem some horrific things."


"Indeed we have."


"Well if he starts up that crap again, wack him on the hand with whatever is close... a pan, a knife, a platter - whatever."


"Will do."


Poor Howard.

Posted by Foodwhore at March 8, 2006 05:53 PM

omgod i'm laughing so hard there are tears on my face. hilarious! gross, but hilarious!

Posted by: gaile at March 8, 2006 09:31 PM

So...
Did ya wack him later in the night?

Posted by: Bastlynn at March 8, 2006 10:42 PM

I did a small party like that when I lived in Baltimore. The hostess was a stickler for everything being just so, picky but in a nice way. I had just put out a platter of 5-layer dip a guest had brought, when she came over to tell me how happy she was with everything.

Her husband joined us, scooped a handful (almost literally) of the dip and shoved the whole thing in his mouth. The chip broke, showering crumbs and bits of dip back on the platter. Then he sneezed, on the platter. But that wasn't all. He just stood there looking dumbfounded with snot dripping from his nose onto the food! I wanted to pick up that platter and bash him over the head with it. His poor wife was nearly in tears.

It was funny, sort of, but mostly gross. I hope the lady who brought that dip thought it disappeared so quickly because people loved it. And boy was I glad I put it on a console table by itself, instead of with my stuff.

Posted by: B'gina at March 9, 2006 12:02 AM

Poor Howard? How gross! At least the wife noticed and said something rather than pretended not to notice or care.

Posted by: e at March 9, 2006 07:36 AM

If he is that bad in public, I wonder how gross he is in private.

Ewww.

Posted by: veg4me at March 9, 2006 08:03 AM

OMG!

I was about to retch, reading that, but I was also laughing my butt off!

How utterly foul.

Posted by: Barbara at March 9, 2006 09:17 AM

Holy CRAP!! You must totally LOVE your job to put up with some of the morons you've met. I applaud you for not whacking him on the head pre-wife's permission. HU-RAH to you! (Thanks for the laughs again!)

Posted by: OMamaMia at March 9, 2006 10:38 AM

Oh my god! I would not be able to keep a straight face. That is disgusting. At least his wife seems to have a sense of humor. It is always nice to have a third party acknowledge that something truly bizarre has just happened.

Posted by: gemma at March 9, 2006 11:11 AM

Wow. An indescreet car incident......a knuckle deep nose picker.... woman, you deserve the best Starbucks-guzzling therapist money can buy down the road when you lose it after one too many damn clients!!!

Posted by: Mandy Brekke at March 9, 2006 05:47 PM

My question is how could a woman stand to be married to a man who was so disgusting in public?

Posted by: Elise at March 10, 2006 08:08 AM

Oh Gawd! I am rolling here. I, too, am in the Catering biz and I could go on for days about how nasty people can be. And completely clueless about acceptable social behavior.

Completely.

Posted by: Stina at March 14, 2006 10:49 AM

Did he wave when he got to the bridge???

Sorry, something my Granny always said if she caught any of us with our fingers up our noses when we were wee.

Long time reader, first time postger, love the stories- lap them up.

Posted by: Donna at March 14, 2006 02:03 PM
 
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