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Brown Paper
June 20, 2006

So this is the kind of thing that can make a somewhat sane person sit in the corner and rock back and forth.

There's been a man - Cranky Man - coming in The Restaurant for the past couple of months. And he is always cranky. Always. But tolerable, you know? You get these people, but you deal with them because it's what you do.


It's just always a complaint - he doesn't like the coffee. "I only drink Starbucks!". He doesn't like our chairs. "Too Hard!" He doesn't like the fact that we have baby spinach mixed into our house salad. "I hate spinach!" But he does like our fish and chips. "Can you tell me the secret to the batter?" He just doesn't like the fact that we line our fish plates with brown paper. "Take that shit off!"

I don't know if Joan Crawford was his mother, and he has some childhood drama involving brown paper on a wire hanger, but the mere sight of it can make him even more angry and disagreeable than his normal disposition.


And the first time he was tolerable. The second time we rolled our eyes and laughed it off. But the third... fourth... he has become increasinly agitated and difficult to deal with. So this time?


He came in last night, and he barely sat down and barked for ice water. A few of the other customers shifted uncomfortably in their seats. When the waitress approached his table he waived her off. "You know what I want. I want fish. And no God-Damned brown paper!" And he actually pounded his fist on the table.

*sigh*


So I did that thing I hate to do, but that thing you have to do sometimes - I stepped on to the floor to speak to him. It was time for him to go and never come back.


I was quite, and kind. But told him he needed to leave. That his anger and aggitation had gone too far, and we couldn't have him behaving that way disturbing the other customers. I told him his dinner would be on the house, but he needed to take it to go - and he must never come back.


He actually shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok, not the first time this has happend...", and before I had a chance to say anything else, his food was brought to the table in it's take-out container and he smiled and was on his merry way.


Just like that.

And people wonder why I drink.

Posted by Foodwhore at June 20, 2006 08:19 AM

I hope there was the brown paperbag waiting with his fish inside the To Go container. A happy suprise for him when he got home.

Posted by: e at June 20, 2006 08:48 AM

ahh....smile. i always start what i know is going to be a rough day at work reading one of your stories because i know that your yesterday is inevitably worse than my today. thank you. i owe you a lemondrop.

Posted by: betsy at June 20, 2006 08:48 AM

If it's not the first time he's been told to leave an establishment maybe he should wonder WHY this is the case and DO something about it; like, for example, have a personality transplant.


Just a suggestion for him.

Posted by: Caroline at June 20, 2006 10:24 AM

What a swindling, free-loading A-hole.

Posted by: AuntJone at June 20, 2006 10:50 AM

I think you shouldn't have even offered him his meal. No one should treat anyone that way.

By the way, I just found your site a couple of days ago and I've already consumed all your archives. You make my day. :-)

Posted by: Todd at June 20, 2006 11:29 AM

Could it have been Melvin Udall?

Posted by: mb at June 20, 2006 01:41 PM

Ok, you need to write a BOOK! I have not tasted your food, but by your writing.... You CRACK me up! Thanks for making my day! I am always in need of a good laugh!
www.caringbridge.org/visit/abbybridgewater

Posted by: Kristi Bridgewater at June 20, 2006 03:05 PM

Great post! I always seem to be seated next to jokers like these. Bravo for the way you handled him.

Not sure how exactly I found you. But I'll return for more!

Posted by: Mom of Sweetie at June 20, 2006 07:13 PM

I have a client like that. My sympathies. How is it that people ever conclude that it is appropriate to berate others irrationally? Is there no generally accepted modicum of responsible and considerate behavior any more? (Sigh.)

I myself am trying to decide between gin and tonic or gin and vermouth tonight.

Posted by: Marsha at June 20, 2006 07:19 PM

I found your site yesterday and wept with laughter. Having been in and out of the hospitality circus over the years, I can appreciate all of the delightfully painful trials and tribulations. You remind me of a chef I worked with a few years back - similar sense of humour and wit with a manageable way of handling those unwanted incidents with tact and graciousness.

Please, please, please keep posting.

Posted by: dean at June 20, 2006 07:40 PM

Dear Helen,

Is this As Good As It Gets?

Love,
Jack

Posted by: tankeduptaco at June 21, 2006 12:52 AM

Was totally thinking of Melvin Udall when I read this.

Great re-telling!

Posted by: Tia at June 21, 2006 06:56 AM

It's a game, he's just bored.

Posted by: Dr. Biggles at June 21, 2006 09:52 AM

Someone has a steep learning curve.

Posted by: HomefrontSix at June 22, 2006 07:04 PM

Good for you. As a customer, I've often wanted to see someone take care of an unruly bar patron that way. As the wife of a chef, I've often wanted to do it myself.

Posted by: Trish at June 22, 2006 08:38 PM
 
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