Diary of The Food Whore: Charlotte's Web

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Charlotte's Web

September 30, 2006

I have a lot of fears.

The basics being snakes, mice, rabid raccoons and Velveeta.

And spiders. The fear of spiders borderlines on the irrational, in fact.

So in the initial planning stages of The Trick The Client asked if we would be ok with her providing the flowers and greenery for the buffet stations. She's an amazing Gardener, and we were more than fine with it. Her dahlias are legendary.

When we got on site to set up the tables were full of artfully placed greens and the most gorgeous array of dahlia's I have ever seen. Just - stunning.

So we set about with our duties in the kitchen, and busied ourselves doing what we do. And when it was time to set up the chafing dishes and get our displays ready we noticed that the linens looked dirty. When I leaned in to get a closer look I realized what I was not seeing was dirt - I was seeing spiders. Hundreds of little spiders scurrying all over the linens like it was Mardi Gras.

I gasped and stepped back. The Partner tried brushing them off, but it was just too many to deal with. We had no choice but to remove everything, shake the linens outside, and set to spraying all the greens to make sure the rest of the little bastards died in a watery death on their way down the drain. It was time consuming and tedious, but we could not risk someone taking a bite of bruschetta while Charlotte was weaving her amazing web.

And I, in all of my panic, went sort of crazy with the idea that all of my body began to itch as I was sure I was covered with the little 8-legged freaks. This was exasperating to The Partner as we had work to get done and my mini meltdown wasn't doing anything for the task list. But as I was carrying a load of plates to one of the tables something caught the corner of my eye - and dangling out of my hair was a teeny tiny spider. I had the wherewith-all to get the plates down without breaking them, but it was shortly after that I went into a semi-ballistic catatonic state shaking my head like a mad woman at Woodstock.

The rest of the night is sort of a blur. I know the Trick went off fabulously, and I also know that when I got home I showered for what must have been an hour and washed my hair roughly 1001 times to make sure there were no larvae in my scalp.

The only thing that will get me through the trauma of it all is a lemon drop.

Or 10.

Posted by Foodwhore at September 30, 2006 12:01 PM

I beg your pardon for my language, but that is fucking horrifying.

Aagh.

Posted by: Charlotte at September 30, 2006 01:21 PM

Damn.

I would have had to leave, right then and there.

Posted by: dave at September 30, 2006 02:14 PM

Um....that's "dahlias", m'dear! My sympathies, though!

Posted by: Kiwi C. at September 30, 2006 03:59 PM

That is disgusting. Did this person not notice she had an infestation in her flower bed while arranging them? I take it you will never let someone provide their own flowers again.

Posted by: nataliw at October 1, 2006 08:45 AM

Yeah I'm with nataliw. Wouldn't you make sure that your pride and joy flowers were bug free? How dumb of her not to notice!

I had a similar meltdown when I was picking my son up from playgroup in front of all these 2 and 3 year olds. It was only a little money spider in my hair, but still enough to give me the 'eebie jeebies' all the way home. (And I embarrased my little son, poor thing.)

Posted by: Caroline at October 1, 2006 11:27 AM

The host more than likely didn't see the critters. The activity of her cutting and arranging the flowers put the critters into lock down 'you can't see me I'm hiding' and when the flurry ended, they ventured out. Happens all the time.

I'm not so wigged about the arachnids, but I get very creeped and feeling like I have them crawling over me after incidents like that. And it doesn't have to be spiders, any insect will do. I can't stand it, it makes me insane. And it doesn't end until a prison-like invasive shower ensues. Jebus, if one was hanging off my head, I am not so sure the dishes would have made it in one piece to their resting spot.

Posted by: Raging Lunatic at October 1, 2006 12:17 PM

That IS SO GROSS - it makes me itch just reading it...sympathies lady to you - and I agree I wouldn't have made it through the night - that is urban legand stuff that is actually true!
O . M . G!!!

Posted by: SkippyMom at October 1, 2006 04:21 PM

Urk... I'd probably have freaked out too. Done the whole mad woman thing except it was when I saw a spider in the reflection of my sunglasses as I was riding my bike in town. It was in my helmet! ACK! Did the crazy dance all over the sidewalk. Blllllk... *shiver*

Posted by: Nerissa at October 2, 2006 07:32 AM

Here's a bug story for you.....I was in the ladies room at work.....flushed the toilet and THEN saw a HUGE June Bug (at lease 2 inches long and 1 inch wide) going down the toilet......it had been 'hiding' underneath the inside rim of the toilet. How a bug that big got inside a toilet rim on the second floor of an office building is beyond me....., but let me tell you...this happened 3 months ago and I still check for bugs when I go in there! I get the crawlies just typing up the story for you all!

GROSS!

Posted by: Carmen at October 2, 2006 08:42 AM

The only thing worse than spiders is spiders near food. Once I lived in a dingy apartment with a bit of a spider problem. I had made some pasta for dinner and sad down to eat it which a big ugly spider crawled over the lip of the bowl and straight into the pasta.

I just about had to be taken away by the men in white coats...

Posted by: Tarable at October 2, 2006 11:13 AM

At the restaurant I work at, we found a black widow among our fresh fruit. We also had a barn spider of some sort hanging out near the hostess station, and it bit the guy trying to catch it.

I have that same irrational fear of amphibians, and once well helping my aunt with some fresh flowers in her garden, leaned forward to smell from the big bouquet I was carrying and ended up going nose to nose with a tree frog sitting inside the blossom.. I freaked and launched flowers everywhere

Posted by: Ben at October 2, 2006 03:49 PM

I'm new to your blog and loving it ... except for the spiders! When I got to the end of the story I discovered I was in a little ball scratching one of my legs! Ugh! Don't know how you managed to stay in there. I don't think I could have! Great story for all hostesses though ... beware fresh flowers!

Posted by: Laura at October 3, 2006 05:02 AM

Yep, I'm with those who would have screamed and run away...dishes, clients, whatever be damned! There's a reason God made plastic flowers

Posted by: Nana at October 3, 2006 12:22 PM

When I lived in Arizona I once got a huge wolf spider in my hair-it dropped down on me from a door way. Still creeps me out. I'm not a fan of snakes either and once found a rattle snake floating in our pool. Ah, wild life.

Posted by: Linda at October 4, 2006 01:05 AM

thank you. now Im itchy

Posted by: Dot at October 4, 2006 12:37 PM

I just got this code for the Time Out eating event on Tuesday. I went last year, and there’s a bunch of restaurants giving out free food, cool music and there’s a couple of open bars for the whole night. There’s a coupon code (TONYVIP) you enter at check out so you can get them for 20% off your tickets if you buy them before Tuesday. It’s a really fun event, and I think you get a gift bag and a free subscriptions, too.

Posted by: alison at October 4, 2006 01:27 PM

Posted by: alison at October 4, 2006 01:28 PM

Wow,I probably would have looked like a break-dancer if a spider landed on me! I dont think I could have carried on with the day after that.

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