Diary of The Food Whore: Get Smart

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Get Smart

January 04, 2007

So I am in The Grocery Store and I am exhausted.

The last three days of '06 kicked my heine so hard that New Year's Day was spent lying in my couch in a somewhat catatonic state while The Husband wiped spittle from my chin.

The last big trick was a wedding reception for 250 people. Only it was not to be a traditional wedding reception, no - it was to be a very casual open house. So The Client promised.

I am not sure if that information was not actually shared to the guests, but some sort of communication breakdown happened, which nearly caused The Partner and I to have a breakdown of our own.

We had set up beautiful buffet stations - at The Client's request - and they were filled with a beautiful array of hot and cold hors d' oeuvres. The often-stressed "Open House" mantra gave us a feeling of total relaxation in the kitchen. People would meander, they would show up throughout the night. Obviously we realized there would be a time more popular than another time, but the idea that all 250 people would not be descending upon us at once was a really nice thought.

While it lasted, at least.

That was our first mistake - assuming. The second mistake was made by getting cocky and relying too heavily on the use of The Venue's well-stocked kitchen. Given the scope of food we were serving we didn't want to have to hold over all of the items in warming ovens. So we opted to cook a few things on site. Which would have worked out just fine had the ovens not died 1-hour before service time.

Fortunately we were a short drive from our kitchen. So we made a mad dash of throwing pans in the van and off I sped. The Partner kept in touch by cell phone, and she had the food cart waiting outside the door so I could make a fast entrance back into the kitchen. I slammed around our kitchen, got all the items cooked and back into the van in record time, and made record time back to The Venue. But when I got there I was overwhelmed to see the entire place packed - full of people clamoring to get at the food tables. We were still within the time frame of having our food ready to go, but you would have sworn these people had been waiting for 3 hours, and that their last meal was seven days before the event. They were - rabid.

By the time we got lids off chafers and gave the MC the go ahead, people were actually pushing - pushing - to jockey for a place in line. One of our servers actually got caught up in the mosh pit and lost an earring in the mayhem. By the time she got back to the kitchen she was disheveled and swearing under her breath.

"My God!", she said. "It was like I threw bird seed in the middle of Central Park and was attacked by a wayward group fricking pigeons!"

It was just - insane.

I stood at the kitchen door and watched long enough to lose what little faith in humanity I had left. By then our servers were hollering for refills, and all I wanted to do was grab the microphone and start shouting. "Step back from the crab cakes, people. Or we're going to start sniping from the kitchen."

I swear to you one lady tried to place an entire wheel of brie on her plate, while another man took four crab cakes, and one was in his mouth while he went through the line. The Bartenders came running in the kitchen and said, "I need another case of Red Hook from the cooler STAT - or it's going to get ugly".

The Client came into the kitchen wide-eyed and completely overwhelmed. "Did I not say Open House? What in the Holy Hell is going on out there?"

We all huddled in the kitchen until we felt it was safe to go out. Well, actually, that's not true. We all actually huddled until Crab Cake guy came in and said the stuffed mushrooms were gone, and wondered if we were hiding any in the kitchen.

I've Tricked a lot of gigs in my day, and in all the years with all of the people we've fed, this was by far the rudest most outrageous bunch of mongrels we've ever served. Even The Client wondered who these people were - and most of them were friends and family.

It was quite a way to round out the year.

And so to finish, I was in The Grocery Store. And in my stupor I just sort of stared at the deli case while trying to decide if I wanted Honey or Black Forrest Ham. And before I could get the words out some little kid shot out of nowhere and zoomed right in front of me. And I thought to myself that he sort of floated by - glided if you will. And I had to do a double take because I could swear his tennis shoes had wheels. But I shook my head a little realizing that fatigue does some crazy shit to the brain, but then he did it again. So I leaned over a bit to get a closer look and I will be damned he did have wheels on the bottom of his tennis shoes. And I don't mean obvious wheels like the Tennis Shoe Skates I got for Christmas back in the 6th grade. I mean inconspicuous little wheels. He could see me staring and said, "Yeah - wheels."

"Pretty cool", I said. "Do they have a phone, too?"

The look on his face reminded me that this kid would have no clue about Maxwell Smart - Agent 86. Even I only knew it in re-runs. But then the little twerp said, "That would be stupid. You're weird." And off he skated.

Had I not been so tired I might have had the energy to chase after him to scare him a little, and you know, make a fool of myself. But instead I shrugged and said to the now staring Deli Guy, "He's totally right."

Posted by Foodwhore at January 4, 2007 02:53 PM

a little more recent - there was a CHiPs episode where the woman baddie had wheels installed into her platform (?)clogs - and they were retractable. I seem to recall that she was using them for snatch and 'run' jewelry theft.

Posted by: Lisa at January 4, 2007 10:29 PM

I've seen the "open house" thing before... with the same results.

The smaller the group, the more likely that they actually come and go as they feel.

But something about a wedding reception doesn't mix well with come and go...

It has a start time... it has an end time... and dangit... people are going to be there when they think they are supposed to be there. And that usually ends up being all at once.

Lesson learned... next time the client says casualy open house and gives a number greater than 20... start lecturing them on mob dynamics and how they all tend to show up at the same time.

Then charge extra.

Been great fun reading this in 2006 and here's to having a great 2007.

Posted by: Graydon at January 4, 2007 10:31 PM

I always hated weddings because of that exact ordeal. My favorite events were business seminar/meetings/conferences--stuff their faces and get back to boring lectures; finely and strictly structured. Anyhow--I never heard of such a thing (because I'm old and so out of the loop)--shoes w/secret wheels until I started my present job (internet related).
This thing http://www.inlinewarehouse.com/AggHeelys.html
I don't understand is how they don't fall over backwards, any must wreak havoc on their ankle area tendons. Damn kids.
Hope your 2007 is fruitful and more importantly: amusing and entertaining.

Posted by: Raging Lunatic at January 4, 2007 11:28 PM

Whats bad is when you see the kid skating one second and then the next they walk down a flight ofstairs normally, and then go skating off again. Saw that at a bookstore a few weeks ago and was waiting to see the kid fall backwards and ride the stairs down on his butt...

Posted by: Brandie at January 5, 2007 12:42 AM

Ugh, while I love to read about your adventures, they remind me why I don't really want to get into catering.
The shoes are called Heely's, cost way too much for kids shoes (I have an 8 year old who'd like a pair of these $120+ shoes) but are banned from most schools! And I can't tell you the number of times I've seen kids being literally pulled along by their parents while wearing these shoes!

Posted by: Quellia at January 5, 2007 04:25 AM

The thing about weddings is that once the ceremony is over, the guests have nothing else to do but head for the reception. So they will. En masse. No matter what the invitation says or The Bride thinks.

Posted by: Katherine at January 5, 2007 07:03 AM

Oh great. I'm having an open house reception in March. The wedding stress started getting to me last night as I realized how much I have to do in the next few weeks. Your post and and the subsequent comments have just elevated my stress level from yellow to red- look for an update on the FOX news channel crawl as I'm sure Wolf Blitzer will be all over it. Thanks so much.

And I'm totally against Heely's. My son (12) wants a pair and I think it is merely because he's lazy and would rather roll than walk. He is also very non-athletic so I'm sure he'd spend more time on his ass then on the wheels.

Posted by: AuntJone at January 5, 2007 07:31 AM

People can act just like a big herd of pigs at the trough sometimes.....oh...wait....the pigs would probably have better manners because they realize that there will still be food left if they wait for 2 more seconds....

As for the shoes with hidden wheels.....I'm sure it will pass just like any other phase.....the next one will probably be 'hovercraft shoes'. :)

Posted by: Carmen at January 5, 2007 07:41 AM

Did you fall at the groc store this time? ;)
I want some of those shoes. so does the 5 yr old. The Princess roller skates are too hard. sigh. if I thought she wouldn't outgrow them next week she might have a chance.
Happy New Year!!

Posted by: Tonja at January 5, 2007 08:12 AM

yay foodwhore! i have been checking back daily eagerly awaiting your new posts. i started reading you back in the December and made it through all your blogs within a week (who needs to work?)
i love your blog! thanks for writing and being funny. and talking about food. and dealing with crappy people who magically appear everywhere but mainly in my life and apparently yours. you rock.

Posted by: leena tg at January 5, 2007 08:47 AM

I actually have a pair of those Healy's that my wife bought me about 3 or 4 years ago when I joked that I would like a pair.

The wheels are so small that they're pretty hard to use, and can actually require more effort than walking unless the ground is veeeery smooth.

Also, believe it or not, They're making a Get Smart movie, starring Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_Smart_%28film%29

So you're not weird, just a trend-setter.

Posted by: Patrick at January 5, 2007 09:58 AM

I hope that the next misguided client (bride?) who thinks that her guests will want to get all dressed up, attend a wedding, and then wander around town for a while (maybe drop by the gym or return some library books) while still in their dress-up clothes before attending an "open house" (why not call it a birthday party or a Fourth of July celebration, since accuracy is not the point any more?) will be set straight, and quickly. The party after a wedding is a reception, and it occurs immediately after the wedding. Always. If she thinks differently, put the bride on wheelies and let her do the running around to accommodate her rightfully bewildered and hungry guests.

Posted by: Marsha at January 5, 2007 10:05 AM

Just to clarify - the wedding took place overseas - this was not a party following a wedding.

Posted by: The Food Whore at January 5, 2007 01:41 PM

People are heathens when it comes to food. I can't explain it,,,,if the food is free then it must be unlimited. They fill plates to take back to the table to be shared by all, but in fact they've all done the same thing and the food is wasted. They'll be damned if somebody else is going to get their free food.

As to the shoes with the wheels,,,,,they are just strange. I'm glad my girls missed that phase.

Posted by: sue.g at January 5, 2007 06:59 PM

One of my colleagues had shoes like that. Then one day he turned up with a broken leg, trying to deny that it was the shoes' fault. Then our other colleague found this: http://cbs4boston.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_324114115/view?slide=0

(Top 10 Most Dangerous Toys of 2006)

Posted by: lita at January 5, 2007 07:52 PM