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« New Friends | Main | Deep In The Well » Wandering Minstrel
March 27, 2008
What's better than pizza and beer? Ok perhaps wine and cheese. Chocolate cake and milk. Oatmeal cookies and tea. Chunky peanut butter slathered on a chunk of dark chocolate... *sigh* But pizza and beer is what The Husband and I always come back to when life gets so busy that we need to stop and smell the roses. It's also what we go to when I am fed up with my pans and I just don't feel like cooking at home. So we went to The Joint, kind of a dive-y place we love, and got our mouths set for the hand-tossed crust and that first sip of stout. And seated right next to us was a couple with the most darling baby. She was all drooley and dimply, and looked to be but mere months old. So we ordered, and in the middle of the order The Baby's Daddy pushed his chair back and bumped into The Waiter, and hey, those things happen. It's not a huge place, tables are tight. No big deal. But then Baby Dadd proceeded to bump into a lot of chairs as he flew Darling Baby all over the joint making loud plane noises and stopping to pretend dive bomb each table. And you know, Darling Baby... who doesn't love a darling baby? People smiled, they coo'd. And then Baby Daddy proceeded to dive bomb the bar as he shouted, "Mac & Jack!" on the walk by. And people smiled and they laughed because - hello, Darling Baby - and then everyone went back to eating pizza and sipping stout. Except for that one guy over in the corner who spent a good amount of time - and man power - picking his nose. Anyway. So Baby Daddy finally sat down and whispered something to Baby Mamma who then bumped into our table on her way out to take Darling Baby on another fantastic voyage. Up, down, plane noises - the same MO as Baby Daddy on slightly more intrusive. She would actually stop at tables and sort of lean over the people there so they could all get a look at Darling Baby. And, you know, Darling Baby - people smiled. But then felt awkward not knowing if they were supposed to keep acknowledging Darling Baby or if they cold go back to what they were doing. But Baby Mamma backed into The Waiter and he was carrying a tray full of freshly drawn beers. Fortunately he was quick on his feet and avoiced a beer-tastrophe, but his smile was little more than a transparent look of frustration. A look that the entire restaurant would soon take on because every 10 minutes there was a Darling baby fly-by and even though Darling Baby was darling and drooly and dimple-y, Baby Daddy and Baby Mamma didn't have the good sense to sit down and eat like normal people.
Actually the look at our table was more like, "Shit. We should have gotten take-out". They just would not stop. Servers were having to use alternate routes to avoid them, and people trying to make their way to their tables were always intercepted. At one point when I looked up Baby Mama was nursing Darling Baby during one of her journeys around the place, and shortly after Baby Daddy was on his way around and was singing like a Wandering Minstrel. But that wasn't the kicker, the kicker was when Baby Mamma took her next turn and decided to carry Darling Baby upside down. So it wasn't so much a fly-by as it was a ritualistic dunking of the baby down to each table's air space while people sat in stunned silence. And then everyone in the restaurant started making that collective eye contact wherein we all said in our heads, "Dear God. She just fed that baby - someone's going to get puked on..." We didn't stick around long enough to see that puke-tastrophe take place. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. All we know is that a quick pizza and a couple of stouts later we were glad to be out of there. With any luck Darling Baby held on until she was safely nestled in the car, and then she could puke exorcist style all over the back seat.
Posted by Foodwhore at March 27, 2008 12:23 PM 
even during your downtime, you are a magnet! Posted by: carly at March 27, 2008 01:46 PM I think if I had been there, I'd have complained to the management. That's absolutely ridiculous. Posted by: weejie at March 27, 2008 02:07 PM There IS something wrong with people today. Kids are disrespectful, but as we can see it starts with the PARENTS. Lately, I've had the urge to throttle almost everyone in my path. Seems like very few have respect for others. Amazing story, FW... and funny/upsetting all at the same time. GLAD YOU SURVIVED. And what the hell is wrong with the management? Posted by: LisaInCT at March 27, 2008 02:20 PM I kept expecting to hear that the hatch opened and the bombs were dropped...glad you weren't the target! Posted by: LEgirl at March 27, 2008 02:23 PM The best advice I was given when my own drooley dimply darling baby boy came along, was that "not everyone will find your baby as cute and adorable as you do" Advice that this couple could clearly do with! Posted by: Tammy at March 27, 2008 03:05 PM Wonder what would have happened if people began to pointedly ignore Darling Baby. Would the loopy parents have finally sat down? Posted by: Connie at March 27, 2008 03:56 PM Dear me FW...it sounds like you frequented the same restaurant as my in-laws...poor you... Posted by: Not related at March 27, 2008 04:51 PM You all are SO much nicer than I would have been. Screw ignoring the baby and hoping that the morons that are her parents buy a clue. Screw talking to the management (though management should have stepped in after the 2nd incident involving one of their waiters). I would have said something directly TO THE PARENTS. Something along the lines of "Gee, your baby is adorable but you are an idiot. Sit down, shut up, eat your damn food and let me eat mine or GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RESTAURANT AND DON"T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE @$$ ON THE WAY OUT."
Posted by: HomefrontSix at March 27, 2008 07:39 PM I was reading your tale intently and fully expected a not-so-darling upchuck much sooner. I'm glad you missed it! And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making my evening seem serene by comparison. Posted by: sister AE at March 27, 2008 08:51 PM I remember thinking that everyone should think my baby is the cutest on the planet. However... Posted by: Traci at March 28, 2008 06:22 AM You, and the other patrons, showed a lot more class and restraint than the parents. Posted by: BC at March 28, 2008 09:52 AM True, people are freaks. And/or drunks. I kept cringing, waiting for you to say something like "then they staggered to the door and got in the car with their Darling Baby, completely blotto." I sincerely hope that being stupid is the worst of their crimes that night. Sorry you had to put up with that behavior, I doubt I would have been able to show as much restraint. Posted by: Bri at March 28, 2008 10:22 AM ahahahaha! Posted by: frau mo at March 28, 2008 11:06 AM Dunno what's up with parents of younger children today - almost had a 2 or 3 year old (she was walking, but mom was using a stroller) step on my foot at a market. Said "excuse me" and got a blank look from mom; said "she almost stepped on my foot" and still got a blank look. No "I'm sorry", no "oh, my darling child, use your manners" :) Posted by: Mary at March 28, 2008 11:35 AM and getting freakier by the day!!! Posted by: chronicler at March 28, 2008 09:07 PM Babies who make noise or parents who force everyone to look at their baby who's making noise should be banned from restaurants. Posted by: Julie at March 28, 2008 09:16 PM Egads....and in a few years teacher like me will have to put up with these morons at a parent/teacher conference. Every year the kids get worse and every year the parents get less "parental". How on earth can we expect kids to have manners when their parents don't. Oh yeah, we're supposed to teach them that in school too! Honestly, I'm just glad you left before the upchuck event which you knew was bound to happen. Posted by: Mrs. Bluebird at March 30, 2008 06:34 AM kept waiting for one of the baby parents to scream. "You've Been Punked!" What a hideous experience, and you only got a lousy pizza for it! But on the positive side, this may be the first baby actually able to fly on it's own someday and you saw it when... Posted by: Sandy at March 30, 2008 01:11 PM god, it almost makes you wonder if they were sociologists conducting an experiment. and they proved their point - given a baby, people will just smile and nod at behaviour they would never otherwise tolerate. I've been given the glare more than once for asking an overindulgent parent to please keep their child out of my space - and often by the other childless people in the area. like babies are somehow sacred or something. i would have told these parents the same thing, and complained to the management as well. Posted by: gaile at March 30, 2008 07:14 PM  |