Ok, people. Someone might want to notify The Coast Guard.

I am tricking on a boat. A yacht, actually. Big boat. Huge. Which I am grateful for because anything smaller reminds me of that year I went lake fishing, and in all of the excitement of all that trout I tipped the boat. I also fell out of The Father's Boston Whaler when someone forgot to tell me they were pulling away from the dock. They say those boats never sink. The crew, however - not so much.

Me and starfish - we're close.

I did not mention any of these things to The Client, though I did swallow hard and choke a little on my tea.

Should be fun. Should be - interesting.

Should be a little of white-knuckling the teak rails in the galley.

Love dogs - truly love them.

The Aunt has a tiny fury ankle-biter that insists on pecking at my leg every time I come over. He lunges at me, all vicious like, and growls and barks at my shoes. A couple of times his teeny tiny sharp teeth have made contact with my skin. So to be totally honest, that dog I don't love so much. And to be even more honest, I've been known to sneak a glare and a snarl at the dog now and again to show him who's boss. Though the last time I did that he peed on my foot.

So when we got all the food set up the other night - a gorgeous (finally!) spring evening party - I was a little nervous when I saw The Client's dogs running around the food table. It was a casual party out at The Client's beach cabin, but the dogs were big - horse like - and they could easily reach what we had on display.

And, apparently, what we had in the van.

Without thinking I took a load and kicked the back door of the van closed. Or so I thought. Because when I came back one of the dogs had nudged his nose in the door and went face down in a platter of mini crab melts. I was, as you can imagine, breathless with frustration and anger. And while I would never harm a dog, I did mutter under my breath that I hoped he would get a case of carpet-scooting diarrhea that lasted for days.

When I got to the outdoor kitchen with the mangled platter The Client asked what happened. When I told her she gave me a "*Tsk Tsk* - you really should be more careful about making sure your doors are closed. What do you expect that poor animal to do with all this temptation?" No apology. No offer to tie up the pets. Just a reprimand for my obvious stupidity.

I chuckled a little, bit my lip and smiled.

And then I walked back to the van saying a prayer she gets the diarrhea, too.

I'm a Snooze Pusher.

I am actually more of a Snooze Abuser, as The Husband would attest to, and I am afraid it is a habit I've carried with me all my life. Except in the days before digital alarm clocks. In those days I took my old fashioned bell-ringing alarm clock and hurled it across the room. A habit, The Mother says, that started about the time I was able to navigate my way out of my crib and push The Siblings' alarm clock off the night stand.

And it's not that I am lazy (actually, I am totally lazy) it's that I cannot bear to hear such an offensive sound in the morning. Why can't they create an alarm which reaches out and gives you a gentle nudge? "Wake up sleepy head" in a voice all soothing like The Fairy Godmother. Although I suppose even that would get old and I would find myself seeking out The Fairy Godmother to get her in an arm lock and suffocate her with my pillow.

And the worst part of all of it is I don't even need the alarm. I set it out of fear that tomorrow morning will be the day I over sleep. And yet every day - like clockwork - I wake up exactly 30 minutes before my alarm is set to go off. And instead of getting up like a normal person, I rationalize I've got a few more minutes. Only that few more minutes turns into 3 (ok 9) Snooze Pushes. And this all goes down at the un-Godly hour of 5:30 in the AM.

Another bad habit... well... I should clarify. The Husband calls it a bad habit, I just think it makes good sense... I leave my cell phone on through the night. My rationale is that it is good to let the battery wear itself down. And my other rationale is that there could be a time when there is a crisis in the middle of the night and people need to reach me - I tend to straddle the "I am so important" fence - though no one has actually ever called.

Although lets be honest - the truth of the matter is that I shove the thing in my purse and forget about it.

Anyway.

There have been times where The Friend in Alabama sends me one of her awesome "Have A Great Day!" texts and they come through at 4:30 in the morning. And it used to wake me up and startle me a bit. But now I sleep right through it. Or if it does wake me up I holler, "you have a great day, too!" and then The Husband kicks me and I go back to sleep.

So the other morning when my phone actually rang I was at the end of A Snooze Phase. So my first thought was that the alarm had gone off and I reached out to tap the snooze button but it didn't work. So I hit it again, hard, and it just kept ringing. And then my mind cleared enough to realize it was my phone ringing, so I threw the covers back and made a mad dash for my purse which was interrupted by my tripping over the shoes I left out the night before. That's a nice way to wake up - a nice drop to the knees in front of the chest of drawers.

My heart was racing. It was 5:41 exactly and I feared the worst. No good news comes in the form of a phone call at that time of the morning. So I quick pushed all the buttons to retrieve the message.

"Hi. It's The Client. I know, I know. It's crazy to be calling at this time of the morning. But I have been awake all night putting the last minute touches on things and I started to freak out. Just so we are clear - you are not using Pepper Jack on the cheese trays, are you? I know you gave me a list of the cheeses you will be using, but I started to panic and ask myself what if you used pepper jack. Which isn't even in the ballpark of what you are doing. But we hate pepper jack. And I could not get my mind off that damn pepper jack. So I am sure you're not using it. But I had to leave you this message to get it off my mind. By the time you get this I am sure you will be laughing that I was stressing at this ridiculous hour. So I will talk to you later. Have a great day."

Half way during that message The Husband came over and sat down next to me waiting to see what was so urgent. And as soon as I started avoiding eye contact he raised his eyebrow and started to laugh. I hung up my phone and he said, "So...?" and I looked up at the ceiling and bit my lip.

"Pepper jack crisis."

"Yes. Hugely important. Very serious."

He nodded. "Yes. Very serious."

And just before I started to say something else The Snooze period was over and my alarm went off. I jumped up to go turn it off and on my way I tripped over that same pair of shoes.

I am living the dream, people.

Just living the dream.