What is it about a cold, naked turkey that makes a person lose their senses. I spent the better part of my morning talking to The Bird, saying kind things, and asking nicely for the breast to stay moist. And it occured to me that anyone outside the room may think something else entirely was happing in The Kitchen. And then it occured to me that people who know me would not assume anything other than the fact that I had lost my biscuit. A fact that is very well known in my social circle, and even to the guy at The Car Wash who watched me lecture myself as I tried to clean a gallon of freshly made clam chowder off the hood of The Car. *Note to self, next time you realize you have pulled away from The Restaurant with a gallon of chowder on the hood, don't slam on the brakes. Stop gently, remain calm, and don't lurch forward thinking that will solve the issue.

Good times.

And People, it is finally here - The Most Adored Food Holiday In All The Land.

I cannot believe... there I go saying it again...how fast time goes. I feel as though I just ate the last of Grandma's Green Jello and here I am salivating over the new batch.

I kind of thought maybe The Grocery Store would be the crazy place, and don't get me wrong it was, I nearly had to leg wrestle a granny for the last bag of marshmallows. In the spirit of the holiday I let her have it, but not without pretending to ignore her maniacal laugh over her victory. But no, this time The Liquor Store had it beat for the long lines and crazed looks. Nothing like a holiday to bring out the joy that is family. I made a batch of Hot Buttered Rum Batter to bring to my family gathering, thinking it would be a nice addition to the 455 coma-inducing desserts abounding on our tables. When I reached for The Rum a woman came out of nowhere screeching, 'SAVE SOME FOR MEEEEEEEEEE'. I stood back for a moment and when she came out of her rage she apologized for being every so slightly dramatic. It seems her mother in law was back at the house re-dusting the living room in an effort to 'do it right'.

So grateful for my in-laws...

Are you ready?

The Groom has always dreamed of serving ribs at his wedding.

Now, no offense to him, but really? This is what you have always dreamed of? Most guys I know dream of Winning the America's Cup, or pitching for The Yankees, or quarterbacking their team to Superbowl victory. Or in the case of The Husband they dream they wake up to the sights and smells of one Miss Sophia Loren whipping up a fabulous breakfast, resplendant with all that hair and eyeliner and rolling out all the sexy Italian verbage.

But not The Groom. His dream was ribs.

Unfortunately The Bride has always dreamed of a black tie affair complete with champagne colored linens and gold rimmed plates. And in the middle of this escalating argument they looked to me to help them find a middle ground. And in an attempt to do so I suggested perhaps the rehearsal dinner could be a more casual BBQ theme complete with ribs and beer and all the trimmings.

But he wasn't taking the bait. It was Ribs at the wedding. He wanted people to eat them with their hands, and dip them in sauce. That was final. The end. No more discussion.

The Bride folded her arms and said, "Whatever, I am not changing what I want, either."

It was kind of like being a Kindergarten teacher, but with less paste and fighting over the finger paint.

I sat there wanting so desperately to ask how they planned to handle real issues in life; a mortgage, financial issues, a crying baby perhaps. But I am reminded that my job is to focus on the one night I have control over. And I have to try and help create an atmosphere that doesn't end up with the bride's cousin Ralph putting all the bad stuff on YouTube.

So Black Tie and ribs it was. I lost count of how many guests came to the kitchen desperate for a wet towel. Fortunately I had the forethought to purchase a handful of Tide Pens, which I shared with great understanding and apologies.

The Classic was The Groom's Uncle Harry came in the kitchen and said to me, "Was this The Groom's Idea - for everyone to fight over a damn stack of bones and sauce on a plate? No offense to you. They were delicious. But they would have been more delicious at a picnic table in my back yard."

I raised my eyebrow and nodded yes and said, "No offense taken."

"Man. That damn snot-nosed kid has been a spoiled brat since his birth. The Bride will be lucky if she gets through the honeymoon without stranding him on a beach. Well, thanks for The help with the sauce spill. I think I will go put a dish of sauce in the getaway car, just for laughs."

And today, people, today I am thankful not to be a part of that family.

I cannot believe we are a mere two weeks away from The Most Adored Food Holiday in All The Land. And as is tradition for our family we will all share what we are grateful for this year. And my list gets longer by the day.

Things have just been crazy around here and in spite of all the economic issues going on, we have not skipped a beat. I feel very blessed to be able to say that.

The downside is that time is going so fast. I feel like I fell asleep in May and I just woke up to find out it is the middle of November. It makes me gasp a little when I think of all the things I have coming down the pike and I wonder how I will get it all done. And I am not alone in feeling that way. Everyone I talk to says the same thing. Everyone, it appears, has taken the same very long nap.

And all things considered, things have gone really well. I taught The Intern how to properly plug a sink, and she was grateful. It seems that she has never had to so much as unload the dishwasher at home and all of these little tasts seem daunting to her. On the one hand I think - lucky you - and on the other hand I am so deeply grateful for all those moments it was my turn to dry the dishes and I would whine and moan for the torture it was to live in a house that did not have a dishwasher until I was in high school. The Mother thought such things were nonsense - dishes should be done when they are used. A fact I can appreciate now in my adulthood, even though back then I was fairly certain part of her soul had been overtaken by The Devil.

I am thankful, too, for an amazing staff. This month has seen an increased population in Crazy Town and they have been coming to The Restaurant by the bus load.

And I am grateful for a relatively normal family. Well, as normal as the people who share the same bloodline as me can be. Because I took a phone call today from The Client, begging me to prepare her Thanksgiving dinner. Her in-laws were coming to down and her Mother In Law was such a critical beast that the thought of cooking made The Client physically ill. So could I just get it all cooked and she would sneak out of the house to pick it up. And then maybe could I hide a gallon of vodka inside the turkey - just in case.

My grateful list is growing, and I am grateful to be... grateful. Unfortuntely I have been too busy of late to share all the reasons why, but I am here. And I've actually been Bitch Free for an entire 5 days. And I did it all without wearing a Bitchotine Patch.

Be proud of me, people.

So in preparation for giving thanks - what are you grateful for?

There's an intern in my kitchen. A mentoring project - a chance to give back. And - a favor for a friend.

First order of duty - wash the pans. It is everyone's first order of duty. I've yet to meet anyone in this world who hasn't had to scrub a stock pot - or 100.

I was headed to the walk-in cooler when she asked, "Um, excuse me. Yeah, um, how do I keep the water from going down the drain?"

Seriously.