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« Gobble Gobble | Main | Grumpy McGrumple Pants » I Hate Carrot Cake
December 04, 2008
"Hi there, this is The Client. I was just going over my notes for tonight and wanted to make sure you got the message about the carrot cake." "Carrot cake?" "Yes. I called you last week and did not want to leave a voicemail so I called The Restaurant and left the message with the person who answered the phone. I just thought about this today. I just thought about this right now, actually. But we need carrot cake for tonight." "Oh yes. Carrot cake. I did get that message. I have the cake. We are good to go. See you at 5:00." "Perfect. I can't wait!"
I went into The Kitchen and asked loudly, "Anyone in here take a message about carrot cake?" I had a lot of blank stares, and then The Dishwasher came over and said, "I did. I left you a note." "What note?" "Right there, on the calendar. See, it says 'Carrot Cake'". I wondered how long it would take me to fold his body enough to shove him in the dishwasher. It did, in fact, say carrot cake. But it also said 'AC/DC tickets', 'Yo Mama', and a myriad of scribbles, tic-tac-to games, sketches and names of people who want time off. There was no time to explode into the kind of rage where my voice gets so high that only dogs can hear it. Instead I got the memo pad by the phone and a pen, held it up and slammed it on the work table. He bit his lip and went back to scrubbing pans. And I had to get on the task of finding the carrot cake I needed in exactly 2 hours. I called bakeries, I called my supplier, I called The Mother in the off chance she had 125 pieces of the stuff sitting in her living room. No one had carrot cake. And then The Mother called me back and said, "You're going to have to suck it up and go to The Abyss. They always have it. And while I hate their cakes, their carrot cake is not awful it will do at a time when you are so clearly screwed. Love you." The Abyss = Costco. Shitdamnhell.
In the mean time the man behind me was impatient and angry. I turned to apologize to him but before I had a chance he snorted and said, "Women. Never have their damn shit together." I stood there for a minute not sure if I heard correctly. The Cashier gasped a little, and I looked to her and said, "I am so sorry. I have cash in my car. I will be back in 5 minutes. Can you void this so you can check the others through?" "Come on, lady. You are holding the rest of us up." I tried to ignore him. I wanted to be the better person and not give him any satisfaction of seeing how embarassed and frustrated I was. I also sort of wanted to shove his face in that carrot cake, or maybe kick him in the shin and run, but I had a line full of people staring at me and I would be an easy pick in a police line-up. "There - the angry one with the white jacket and striped apron. The one clutching the debit card." And then he mumbled, "Stupid woman." "Your wife must be so proud", I said before I could stop myself. "I am divorced." "Shocking." The Cashier turned to hide her laugh, and I made a mad dash for my car before he could respond. Finally, with carrot cakes safely in The Car I turned it on only to be greeted with a bright orange fuel tank light. No checks. No American Express. A Debit Card on high alert, and exactly $5.45 in my hand I pulled into the nearest gas station and thanked God for a recession where gas prices are now finally lower than my lease payment.
And when I got home to relax, and sigh and fix myself a hot buttered rum, The Husband greeted me hello, and in the process of hugging me whispered in my ear, "The toilet overflowed."
Posted by Foodwhore at December 4, 2008 10:01 PM 
You inspire me! You came up with the comeback WHILE YOU WERE STILL in the situation! Not hours later like I do! I wish I had been behind the jerk who mistreated you. I would have laughed loud and long at him. BTW, here in Indiana we get our share of possum. Have you ever heard this one? Why did the chicken cross the road? Posted by: Indiana Joan at December 5, 2008 03:08 AM It flabberghasts me that people can be so outwardly rude! Seriously - he couldn't have kept his fuming to himself? I love your comeback - it was so easy - you just had to KNOW that guy had no S/O at home. I bet he kicks his dog too. Well, kudos to you! Sorry about all the payment problems [loved the gas price comment!] Love the posts. Thanks for sharing. Posted by: SkippyMom at December 5, 2008 03:24 AM Poor FW! Whew what a day... things here have been a bit wacky this week too for some reason. However you made brillant comebacks! You kicked butt... congrats on conquering CRANKY men, Costco and cash issues. Posted by: LisaInCT at December 5, 2008 06:17 AM I have a co-worker who is in charge of party planning for the company and she is obsessed with that carrot cake from Costco. She brings it for every event, no matter if the person for whom we are celebrating likes carrot cake or not. Oh, and she buys the BIG one, and there is only 12 of us in the office, so there is no way we can ever eat it all. It is pretty good though, as carrot cakes go. Posted by: MJBUtah at December 5, 2008 07:05 AM Yeah, you know that costco carrot cake is one of the best I've tasted as long as you dont eat the wierd colored frosting on the top. Well done for getting things sorted. Posted by: jennywenny at December 5, 2008 07:48 AM I totally would have put the cakes in my car and then tackled that asshat in the parking lot! I love your blog! You give me hope of having the right responses at the right time - which I can never seem to master. *sigh* Posted by: Mona at December 5, 2008 08:07 AM Must be the season for the overflowing toilet. I was at home yesterday morning waiting for the plumber. Posted by: Valerie at December 5, 2008 09:22 AM Funny how the other days are similar, huh? Biggles Posted by: Dr. Biggles at December 5, 2008 10:18 AM You are a saint. Is that what is required when one has clients? I can not imagine a situation where I would bite my tongue. But then maybe thats why I get in trouble at work. Maybe he got hit by a flying possum. Posted by: DotC at December 5, 2008 02:39 PM Deep down I know that it's wrong to laugh at your plight, like, ALL the time, but damn girl, I love how you put it all out there. I own a little recreational cooking school and totally get almost every single one of your posts -- personally and deep down to my undies. Thank you for writing such a fantastic blog. Hail to thee Food Whore! Posted by: cvb at December 5, 2008 02:50 PM Oh no. How awful! Next time your debit card gets locked, just call your bank/credit union and they can unlock it for you. I work at a credit union and do it all the time for our members :) Hang in there FW :) Posted by: Jenwee at December 5, 2008 04:04 PM OMG. What a day! I too loved your comeback to the jerk in line. And I love that your mom calls Costco "The Abyss." Truer words were never spoken. Posted by: Dr Alice at December 5, 2008 07:28 PM And you know the ass has never, in his entire life, worked as hard as you and I do all the time for our "tricks." And speaking of the toilet - I was on my way to my Thanksgiving festivities and pulling out on to the highway was a "Roto" something truck. Well, someone had a worse day than I did. But for the "Roto" guy, I bet it paid for his Christmas. Posted by: honeyg at December 6, 2008 08:48 PM  |